Dear Dr. K,
Is it possible to be verbally abused by two husbands. I am the common denominator. Is it possible I am really that stupid and terrible that I cause it? I mean what are the odds I’ve been married twice and get the same insults.
Is it Me?
Dear Is It Me,
Your question touches on an important and, unfortunately, common issue. Let’s look at some statistics and advice for women in verbally abusive relationships:
Prevalence of Verbal Abuse:
- 48.4% of women and 48.8% of men have experienced at least one psychologically aggressive behavior by an intimate partner.
- 4 in 10 women and 4 in 10 men have experienced at least one form of coercive control by an intimate partner in their lifetime.
- 17.9% of women have experienced a situation where an intimate partner tried to keep them from seeing family and friends.
- 18.7% of women have experienced threats of physical harm by an intimate partner.
- 95% of men who physically abuse their intimate partners also psychologically abuse them.
- Women who earn 65% or more of their households’ income are more likely to be psychologically abused than women who earn less than 65% of their households’ income
“I’m sorry, people don’t talk to me like that, you might not have known that.”
So no, you don’t “cause” it. A common insult is to someone’s intelligence or character. “You’re so mean.” “You’re so stupid.” If that’s the comment, your husbands are just uncreative in their abusive behavior. And, if it only happened after you got married, you didn’t even marry it. As the stats say, if half the men have verbally abused once, the odds are high that you’ll experience it.
1. Recognize it’s not your fault.
As the statistics show, verbal abuse is unfortunately common. You don’t “cause” it, but you do “tolerate” it if you stay. Remember that those with horrid childhoods can heal and not go on to abuse their mates. Having a terrible history isn’t an excuse to abuse. It’s an invitation to seek out psychotherapy.
2. Notice when it happens. Is it during calm periods or only during fights? If it’s during calm periods, this is a serious red flag.
But notice a few things as you consider how to stop it: Does it happen when things are calm or only during a fight? If it happens when things are calm, this is a terrible sign. Truly horrible. Get help.
If it happens during a fight, there is more hope. It is likely due to flooding. When people flood, they stop acting within the bounds of proper human discourse. In other words, it can get ugly. It’s not an excuse. But the answer is to recognize flooding and walk away. Take a break for 20 minutes—both of you. If you are both flooded, it’s tough to do. But you lose 30 IQ points when you flood, so you aren’t at your most creative, kind, or logical. There’s a “kill or be killed” aggression about you… and you don’t intend to be the one who dies.
3. Recognize “flooding” and take breaks. Learn to identify when emotions are escalating and take a 20-minute break to calm down.
Learn to recognize the signals because they are different for everyone. Sometimes, men withdraw (called “Stonewalling“). According to Gottman, if anyone is going to stonewall, it’s the man in a relationship, as men do it 85% of the time. A stonewalling man will tell researchers that he wanted to “calm things down” in a fight because he feared he would say something he’d regret. Unfortunately, women see stonewalling as a bull sees red: Charge!! It angers them and they intensify the aggression. Not good.
This isn’t to be confused with narcissistic stonewalling, where the withdrawal is calculated. The average stonewaller is actually flooded by Gottman’s criteria. No matter how angry you are, leave a stonewalling husband to calm down. Explain what stonewalling is at a calmer moment so he can ask for a “time out” to prevent himself from becoming flooded. A twenty-minute time-out can do wonders for a marital argument, as long as neither one of you rehearse the fight again in your mind. Read a magazine, take a shower or a walk. Get your mind off of it.
Then, return calmer and discuss the issue once again. Most fights are about perpetual issues, so you will have this argument repeatedly. Try not to “win” but instead to “understand” each other.
4. Refuse to accept verbal abuse.
From anyone, at any time. You can’t stop someone from saying the words, but you can send a clear message that they are unacceptable and will not be tolerated. My favorite phrase given to me by my co-owner is, “I’m sorry, people don’t talk to me like that; you might not have known that.” If this is your first time standing up for yourself, and you hear, “Since when?” You can answer: “From today going forward.”
If it continues, take a time out. Take a shower and remove yourself. If you are followed from room to room, leave the house. Your capacity to stay calm in the face of growing escalation is essential. Don’t take the bait. Use the “broken record strategy” and repeat the same phrase over and over: “I’m sorry but people don’t talk to me like that. I can’t allow that (anymore).” You are reminding yourself just as much as you are telling him.
This is the day that people stop talking to you like that. If they don’t know that, you’ll let them know that it is now unacceptable.
5. Learn to differentiate between emotional expressions and verbal attacks. “I hate you” is an emotion; “You’re disgusting” is an attack.
“I hate you.” is an emotion, and is a statement about the person speaking. It’s hard to hear, but it’s about them, not you. “You’re disgusting” is not an emotional expression. It’s an attack on the person you are talking to.
+Can’t figure out the difference?
Point your finger while you are saying it. If it feels stupid to point your finger, it’s you expressing an emotion. If you feel perfectly at home saying it while pointing your finger, it’s verbal abuse. It usually starts with “You always…” or “You never…”
6. Be wary of contemptuous statements that put you down and elevate the abuser.
Anything that puts you down and elevates them is contempt. Example: “You’ve never been much of an intellect.” You see? You don’t need to use curse words to be verbally abusive. It can sound very calm and rational and still be abusive. The implication is that you are beneath the speaker, and the speaker is superior.
“You’re just like your Mother!” is also contemptuous. The implication is that your family is inferior to his family, and because you follow after them, you are inferior. Notice how well it goes with pointing your finger at the person you’re speaking to.
7. Don’t rely on promises of better behavior. Look for actual changes in actions.
If your husband promises to control himself, be from Missouri, the “show me” state. Judge your future behavior against how he acts, not what he says. He can learn to walk away when he is close to flooding. He can learn how to do that. It’s simple, but not that easy to do once you are flooded.
If he simply ignores you when you say, “Are you flooded?” and goes on berating you, this is abusive. You might give him a minute or two at the start of it, because it’s hard to stop on a dime when you are on a train going 100 miles an hour. But he has to look like he’s slowing down, not escalating. If not, leave.
8. Seek professional help to understand yourself.
It’s usually too subtle to spot an actual abuser early in the relationship. They are often “over the top” wonderful at the start, and you might believe you are the luckiest woman on Earth. You fall in love, and then the degrading comes slowly, indirectly, and is often denied when challenged. Him: “Are you really going to eat that cake?!” Her: “Are you telling me I shouldn’t because I’m overweight?” Him: “Oh no, you’re perfect just as you are…Don’t be so sensitive.”
One man claimed his wife had a “speech disorder” and went so far as to give it a nickname but never mentioned this “problem” of hers in public. Her longtime friends later commented that they had never noticed her ever having any speech problems. She had become convinced that she did, while of course, there was nothing wrong with the way he spoke. He would later shout at her, “Why should I listen to you? You don’t even know how to talk!!!”
If you grew up with people insulting each other, you may not recognize what’s wrong with this behavior when it starts. But if you are a reflective and caring person, you will often look inward to see if there is any truth to the accusations. You’ll also be tempted to believe that “this time is the last time.”
9. Build a support network and consider your safety options if the abuse continues or escalates.
Never allow yourself to be cut off from friends and family. See them alone if your husband won’t go. These people who love you unconditionally are your “Flight Attendants.” Socialize early on with these people. You can then look at the face of the Flight Attendant to see if you should be worried. If they negatively comment on him or her, listen to them.
You can also call free hotlines for domestic violence (including verbal abuse) and run by the situation with them. While a therapist is a wonderful gift you give yourself, they aren’t always affordable. Hotlines have people trained to help those in these exact situations.
In conclusion
Remember, you deserve respect in your relationships. If your partner is unwilling to change or seek help, consider whether this relationship is healthy for you. Don’t hesitate to reach out for professional support in making decisions about your future.
Thank you for writing.
Dr. K
