Dear Dr. K,
I need help. My 30 years of marriage have turned really bad. His drinking has also gotten worse. He won’t get help or talk to me. When I try, he says it’s not him. It’s me.
I want to leave him. What should I do?
Lost in Liquid Lies
Dear Lost in Liquid Lies,
When you write that you want to leave your 30-year marriage, I hear both determination and heartache in those words. Long-term relationships carry such deep roots—their troubles rarely just “show up” overnight, and their solutions rarely come simply. You sound like a Walk-away Wife.
You’ve noticed your husband’s drinking has increased, and he’s shut down communication. When you try to talk about problems or even complain, he turns them back on you. This pattern – where one partner says, “it’s not me, it’s you” – can leave you questioning your own judgment. It is a form of gaslighting. Don’t doubt yourself. You know what you’re experiencing.
Before we talk about leaving, let’s look at the whole picture. Increased drinking and withdrawal from communication often signal deeper struggles – perhaps depression, stress, or life transitions. Have you noticed when these changes began? Sometimes, a medical check-up reveals underlying issues we hadn’t considered.
Could you try one more conversation, but in a different way? Choose a calm moment. Share what you miss about your earlier relationship. Something like: “I remember when we could talk about anything. I miss that connection. I’m worried about what’s happening to us.” His response – or lack of response – will tell you a lot about what’s possible.
But let’s also be practical about your needs right now:
- Do you have a trusted friend or family member you can confide in?
- Are you financially secure if you need to make changes?
- Have you considered talking with a counselor just for yourself?
Take small steps to strengthen your position, whatever you decide. Start getting clear with yourself. Maybe keep a private journal to better understand your feelings and needs. What changes would make this marriage feel healthy again? What conversations need to happen? What support do you need?
If you want to talk about your husband’s drinking, do so wisely.
Documentation is typically advised when there are:
- A pattern of gaslighting or manipulation
- Financial misconduct
- Clear emotional or physical abuse
- Legal implications that need evidence
In this case, consider:
- Put aside some money if you can
- Gather important documents
- Research marriage counselors and individual therapists
- Connect with friends and family who can offer support
You’ve carried this worry alone long enough. Consider calling a relationship counselor or your local family services organization. They can help you sort through your options with professional guidance and emotional support.
Also, think about Discernment Counseling before walking away. Men can sometimes refuse to go to couples therapy, but once their wives are pretty sure they want a divorce, they reconsider. This type of divorce counseling can help both of you learn more about reasons to stay or go.
Remember this: Wanting to leave a marriage doesn’t mean you’ve failed or given up too easily. It means you’re paying attention to your needs and feelings. That’s not selfish – it’s self-aware.
Take things one day at a time. You don’t have to make all the decisions at once. Focus on small steps that help you feel stronger and clearer about your path forward.
With care,
Dr. K
