Dear Dr. K,
How do I go about getting my spouse to make steps to stop drinking and stop spending lots of money on alcohol? For example what do I start saying and what do I do if he tries to purchase alcohol when we are together in person? Thank you!
Soberly Concerned
Dear Soberly Concerned,
Thank you for reaching out about this tricky situation. It’s clear you care deeply about your spouse and want to help them make positive changes. Addressing alcohol misuse is no walk in the park, but with patience and the right approach, progress is possible.
Let’s start by acknowledging the elephant in the room: confronting a loved one about their drinking habits can be about as comfortable as a dentist appointment. But sometimes, a little discomfort leads to necessary growth.
Here are some thoughtful suggestions to help you navigate this conversation:
- Choose your moment wisely: Timing is everything. Try to have this talk when your spouse is sober and in a relatively good mood. Maybe after a nice meal, but before they reach for that evening drink.
- Use “I” statements: Instead of saying, “You’re drinking too much,” try, “I’m worried about how alcohol is affecting our lives and our financial stability.” It’s less accusatory and more likely to keep defenses down.
- Focus on specific impacts: Discuss concrete examples of how their drinking and spending habits are affecting your relationship. For instance, “I’ve noticed we’re struggling to pay bills. Buying alcohol was over 15% of the money we spent. It’s making me anxious about our future.”
- Suggest professional help: Gently encourage them to speak with a doctor or therapist. You might say, “I wonder if talking to someone could give us some helpful strategies. Would you be open to that?”
Now, for those tricky in-person situations where alcohol purchases are imminent:
- Have a code word: Agree on a discreet signal that means, “Hey, remember our conversation about cutting back?” It doesn’t have to be anything fancy – even mentioning the weather in Timbuktu could work.
- Offer alternatives: Suggest a fun, alcohol-free activity instead. “You know, I’ve been wanting to try that new coffee shop. How about we check it out?”
- Set clear boundaries: If they insist on buying alcohol, stay calm but firm. You might say, “I understand you want to buy this, but I’m not comfortable participating. I’ll meet you at home.”
Remember, you can’t control your spouse’s actions, but you can control your own responses and seek support for yourself. Consider attending Al-Anon meetings or speaking with your own therapist to help you navigate this challenging situation.
Changing ingrained habits is like teaching a cat to fetch – it takes time, patience, and sometimes a bit of creativity. But remarkable transformations can happen with persistence, love, and professional support.
Wishing you strength and hope on this journey,Wishing you clarity, strength, and wisdom as you navigate this pivotal time in your relationship.
Thanks for writing.
Dr. K