Content Warning: This article discusses domestic violence and emotional abuse
Dear Dr. K,
My husband of 45+ years has been accusing me of cheating on him and having affairs with many men, including family members whom I just talk to. This has been going on for nearly 40+ years. He calls me a prostitute, bitch, mad woman and every bad word that comes out of his mouth when angry. Sometime I fight back but sometimes I fear so I keep quiet as he becomes aggressive at times. I want to keep the marriage. What should I do?
Tired of Taking the Blame
Dear Tired of Taking the Blame,
Thank you for having the courage to reach out. As we recognize Domestic Violence Awareness Month this October, your letter highlights the often-hidden nature of long-term emotional and verbal abuse in marriages.
Understanding the Abuse Pattern
What you’re describing is a clear pattern of domestic abuse that includes:
- Emotional and verbal abuse through name-calling and degradation
- Controlling behavior through unfounded accusations of infidelity
- Social isolation by making you fear talking to family members
- Intimidation and implied threats through aggressive behavior
- Long-term manipulation that has normalized this treatment over decades
Your husband’s accusations about infidelity and restrictions on your interactions with family members are classic controlling behaviors. These tactics serve multiple purposes for abusers:
- They isolate you from potential support systems
- They shift blame for the abuse onto you
- They justify the abuser’s harmful behavior
- They create a constant state of defensive anxiety
- They erode your sense of self-worth and reality
The Impact of Long-term Abuse
Living with decades of emotional abuse can have severe consequences:
Psychological Effects
- Chronic anxiety and hypervigilance
- Depression and hopelessness
- Damaged self-esteem
- Self-doubt and confusion about reality (gaslighting)
- Post-traumatic stress responses
- Learned helplessness
Physical Effects
- Stress-related health problems
- Sleep disturbances
- Weakened immune system
- Chronic pain
- Digestive issues
- Cardiovascular problems
Social Effects
- Isolation from family and friends
- Loss of support networks
- Reduced ability to work or maintain outside interests
- Financial dependence
- Loss of personal identity outside the marriage
Why Victims Stay
You mentioned wanting to keep the marriage, which is a common feeling among long-term abuse survivors. There are many complex reasons why people stay in abusive relationships:
- Financial dependence
- Religious or cultural beliefs
- Fear of being alone after decades of marriage
- Hope that the abuser will change
- Shame or embarrassment
- Concern for children or grandchildren
- Fear of escalated violence if they leave
- Lack of support systems
- Stockholm syndrome or trauma bonding
Taking Action
While you want to preserve your marriage, it’s crucial to understand several key points:
- Your safety comes first. When abuse includes aggressive behavior, your physical safety is at risk regardless of whether actual violence has occurred yet.
- You are not responsible for his behavior. Your actions do NOT cause his accusations and abuse. Abusers often blame their victims to maintain control and avoid taking responsibility.
- Fighting back can escalate danger. As you’ve noticed, responding aggressively often makes the situation worse. This is because abuse is about power and control – when abusers feel their control threatened, they may escalate.
- Change requires his commitment. Your husband would need to:
- Acknowledge his abusive behavior
- Take full responsibility without blaming you
- Commit to professional help
- Make consistent, long-term changes
- Accept the consequences for his actions
Getting Help
Here are immediate steps you can take:
- Create a safety plan
- Keep important documents accessible
- Have emergency numbers ready
- Identify safe places you can go
- Save some emergency money if possible
- Tell trusted friends or family about the situation
- Document the abuse
- Keep a dated log of incidents
- Save any threatening messages or emails
- Take photos of any property damage
- Record incidents if legal in your state
- Keep records in a safe place he can’t access
- Seek professional support
- Contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline: 800-799-7233
- Visit www.thehotline.org (use private browsing)
- Connect with local domestic violence organizations
- Consider individual counseling (not couples counseling, which can be dangerous in abusive situations)
- Consult with a domestic violence advocate
- Speak with an attorney to understand your rights
- Take care of yourself
- Maintain connections with trusted friends/family
- Practice self-care routines
- Join support groups for abuse survivors
- Focus on your physical health
- Build financial independence if possible
Important Resources
- National Domestic Violence Hotline: 800-799-7233
- RAINN National Sexual Assault Hotline: 800-656-4673
- National Center for Victims of Crime: 855-484-2846
- Love Is Respect (for young people): 866-331-9474
- Crisis Text Line: Text HOME to 741741
Remember: You deserve to feel safe, respected, and valued. The abuse is not your fault, and help is available when you’re ready to take the next step.
Thank you for reaching out.
Dr. K