Dear Dr. K,
I’ve been married for nearly 12 years, and during that time, my wife and I have built a life together that, on the surface, seems stable and full. However, over the past couple of years, she’s expressed deep unhappiness—not with me specifically, as she reassures me she loves me, but with her own sense of self and direction in life.
When we first met, she was fiercely independent and thrived on doing things her way. Now, after more than a decade of marriage, two kids, and the added responsibility of her mother living with us, she feels overwhelmed. She’s been very honest about needing to “find herself,” but as much as I try to support her, I can’t help feeling sidelined in the process.
Our connection has taken a back seat. Conversations between us feel strained, almost nonexistent, despite my attempts to bridge the gap. We don’t spend time together unless it involves the kids, and there’s been no intimacy for eight months. I know she’s been pouring herself into starting a business over the past two years, but it’s progressing more slowly than she hoped, adding to her stress. Even our older child has started to notice and talk to me about the strain in the household, which breaks my heart.
Arguments between us have become more common, and they’re difficult to navigate. When tensions are high, she always mentions wanting a divorce, only to take it back when things settle down. It’s left me feeling unsteady, like the foundation of our marriage is eroding, even if neither of us wants it to.
We have a good life when it comes to material things, but something deeper seems to be missing for her. She’s started taking trips alone—sometimes abroad, sometimes domestic—as part of her journey to rediscover herself. While I try to respect that need, it also leaves me feeling even more distant from her and very insecure.
I’m struggling. I feel like everything we’ve built is unraveling, and it’s taking a toll on me emotionally. Part of me wants to let her work through this, to let things run their course, but another part of me wonders if I need to step away for my own well-being. I love her, and I want our family to be whole, but I’m reaching a breaking point, unsure of what else I can do.
Dear Sidelined Spouse,
This sounds like a scary place for you to be in your marriage. Between “letting her be” and “stepping away for your own wellbeing” is the act of standing up and fighting for your marriage.
This means talking to her about the distance you feel, your fear of her bringing up divorce when you fight, and her increasingly doing things like vacationing by herself. She may be the Walk Away Wife. She may be depressed. Any number of things could be happening to her, but if she’s trying to reassure you that she loves you and it isn’t the marriage, she isn’t acting that way. She’s not turning to you to discuss her worries and concerns. She isn’t looking to de-stress with you by her side.
Getting married usually involves the phrase “for better or for worse.” This is the “worse” part, and she’s not letting you in to help her carry the burden. We often see this in people who don’t feel entitled to their unhappiness because “nothing is wrong” with the marriage. But something is, and you know it.
Understanding the Pattern of Disengagement
“We never fight” is often seen as a good thing for conflict-avoiding couples. It’s not when the marriage turns stale. Effective fighting allows for the dissipation of annoying feelings that are present in all marriages. Making complaints is an essential skill, especially for marriages on the decline.
A marriage is a three-legged stool: Her, You, and The Marriage. If any of these aren’t holding up the stool, it falls or teeters dangerously.
Now is your time to step up and assert yourself. If she can’t or won’t talk to you, ask her to go to couples therapy with a science-based couples therapist who can do an extended assessment before you start. Your wife may not know what’s wrong, but that’s what we get paid to find out.
If you aren’t entirely “in the know” about her everyday lovemaps, if she isn’t confiding in you about her stressors every single day, if you aren’t kissing, hugging, and being intimate, expressing fondness and admiration for each other, and doing things together regularly, you are falling into the “disasters of marriage” category. It starts in imperceptible ways for some couples. They don’t fight. They aren’t loud or passionate. They just quietly become more and more annoyed with one another and unhappy. They become more distant and disengaged instead of knowing how to discuss and navigate this difference. These are the couples that often divorce later than the louder-fighting couples. Whereas the fighting couples divorce at five and a half years, the disengaged couples divorce after 16 years. These couples avoid fights and express their genuine emotions with each other. Fights are painful when they happen because they don’t know how to repair them to keep things positive.
Sometimes, one partner wants to be the “cheerleader” for the other around “negative” emotions, but this means they stop listening. “I feel like a failure” is met with “You’re not a failure, you’re doing great!” instead of “Tell me more about that…” In particular, Gottman found that men think that if their partner comes to them with problems, it is the man’s job to fix the problem. Unfortunately, this just pisses most women off, who expect to be listened to first and foremost.
It’s a gender difference that can create a lot of misunderstanding.
The Dangers of Conflict Avoidance
In a conflict-avoiding couple, “cheerleading” looks good and positive. The wife doesn’t know why she feels so disconnected after she tries to talk to him. She just knows that she walks away, not really feeling better or more understood. She feels blown off but thinks she should be grateful for the pep talk. She starts to bring less and less to him, both the positive and the negative.
As they start doing less and less together, the “ratio” of positive and neutral interactions shrinks compared to negative interactions. They stop turning toward each other for emotional support. They don’t run to tell each other good news or bad news. They find other people to talk to about their lives. They start comparing their spouse to others, and their spouse comes up short.
They become increasingly blind to the good things between them but continue to see the problems. The relationship looks more and more “troubled.” This becomes a vicious cycle because even when one tries to do nice things for the other, it is viewed through a negative lens. Even compliments are viewed either as neutral or slanted to be seen as negative. (“Honey, I like your dress.” Instead of accepting the compliment, she thinks, “What, I finally look good for a change? Or you don’t like my other dresses? I’m sick of his negative comments…”)
It becomes a chronic and engrossing state of negativity, a “Roach motel for lovers: You check in but you can’t check out.”
We ask these three vital questions, and the answer is “no:”
- Are you there for me?
- Can I count on you?
- Do you put my needs equal to your own?
A common complaint in troubled couples is, “My spouse is selfish.” It is as if they don’t believe that they play an essential role in their partner’s lives, and they start living parallel lives.
Steps Forward
If this requires an argument to advocate for you to get the marriage help, don’t shy away from it. Don’t pull away to “save yourself.” Move closer to offer help and support or recognize that you haven’t been able to do that effectively and want to.
Ask her to let you learn how to be a better husband to her by seeking out qualified help. If she’s willing, this will result in her being a better wife.
Be proactive. Good luck!
Dr. K
