Dear Dr. K,
I’ve been married for 28 years. He had had two long-term affairs with the neighbor. The neighbors are his daughter’s age. For four years, he has denied cheating. I showed him proof videos of him getting pleasured in my bed, his boxers in my car along with Reynolds 6000 sex pill wrappers, lipstick on my interior door, cigarette burns on the ceiling of my car, threats from his mistresses to come beat me up, or tell me everything.
His answer was that he was “a stupid old man who got played.” I forbade them from seeing or speaking to each other, and they both told me I had no right to tell him who he could have as a friend. They continued sneaking and sending and deleting text messages, etc.
This blatant denial over and over has damaged me beyond control.
He wants to reconcile without answering to anything. I get non-answers. Any advice?
Done With Denials
Dear Done With Denials,
Let’s talk about what’s really happening here. Your husband didn’t “get played.” He’s a “player.” He made choices – lots of them. Every time he went to your bed with someone else. Every time he got in your car. Every time he sent those secret messages. These weren’t mistakes. These were decisions.
You handed him solid proof – videos, physical evidence, even threats from the other women. His response? “I’m just a stupid old man.” That’s not an answer. That’s a dodge. When someone works this hard to avoid the truth, they’re telling you something important: they don’t think you deserve honesty.
The neighbor’s situation is particularly telling. When you said “stop seeing her,” they both told you that you couldn’t control his friendships. But friends don’t sneak around. Friends don’t leave lipstick in your car. Friends, don’t threaten to beat you up. They’re not defending a friendship – they’re defending an affair.
Here’s what usually happens next:
- He’ll keep denying it until it doesn’t work anymore
- When divorce comes up, and he realizes half the assets are yours, he’ll suddenly want to “work things out.”
- The younger neighbor might lose interest when the money gets tied up in divorce
With less “sugar,” Sugar Daddies don’t look quite so sweet. So, the fling with the neighbor might die down before the divorce does. And then his desire to reconcile will ramp up.
You need to take care of yourself now. That means:
- Get tested for STDs – your health matters
- Talk to a divorce lawyer – know your rights after 28 years
- If this behavior is completely new for him, have him see a doctor to check for medical issues (though it sounds more like a character problem)
About those medical issues – yes, sometimes older adults can act strangely because of health problems like dementia or tumors. But four years of careful planning, sneaking around, and lying? That’s not an illness. That’s strategy.
The most brutal truth is this: he’s shown you exactly who he is. He cheats in your own bed. He lies to your face. He chooses other women over your feelings. He won’t even answer simple questions about what he did. This isn’t love. This isn’t respect. This isn’t even basic human decency.
You’ve spent 28 years with this man. That’s a long time. But you know what’s longer? Spending the rest of your life watching him choose other women while he tells you you’re imagining things.
You deserve better. You deserve honesty. You deserve someone who wouldn’t dream of bringing another woman to your bed. Or if you choose to be alone, you deserve the peace of not wondering what’s happening in your own car.
The choice is yours now. But remember: staying means accepting that this behavior will continue. He’s shown no sign of stopping, no sign of real regret, and no sign of wanting to change.
You can’t control his choices. But you can control yours. It may be time to choose yourself.
Take good care of yourself. Your future is waiting.
Dr. K
