Dear Dr. K,
My husband has been cheating on me with escorts and women from random unknown places. He has admitted to having a threesome with two females who he never met before. In our own bedroom with my personal belongings surrounding them. Also, he said he did not have a problem with not using a condom. I have no idea how many times he had unprotected sexual intercourse with these strange women. Please help me figure something out, please.
Devastated by Deception
Dear Devastated by Deception,
You are in a very unsafe situation.
Your husband has acted without any thought to your physical safety. So now it is your responsibility to act.
Call up your gynecologist and have an immediate test for all transmittable sexual diseases. Next, insist that your husband do the same with a urologist and sign a release so that his test results go directly to you and himself.
Finally, stop having sexual relations with him.
Your husband has serious problems, but without a thorough psychiatric examination, I can’t say more. Maybe he has a sexual compulsivity problem (“sex addict”). Maybe not. But we do know that he has put you and your health at risk without considering the potential consequences.
Even after you’ve asked him to think about it, it doesn’t sound like he continues to grasp the intensity of his bad judgment.
He has also given little thought to the sanctity of your bedroom, something you clearly feel when talking about how damaging this was to you, given your personal belongings in that space.
If your husband has sexual compulsivity issues, the “cure” is not a short one but instead a long process. Some have extended inpatient care in a facility devoted to sex addiction. For others, they work with a sex addiction counselor as well as a group and will expect sexual abstinence.
But none of this is within your control. Your husband has to see that his behavior is “out of control,” and he may not. And he may be right.
He may have consciously chosen to engage in this sexual behavior for reasons that have nothing to do with you. He may have just “wanted to.” This speaks volumes about his opinion about his commitment to you and to fidelity with you.
In any case, find yourself an individual therapist who has some experience working with sexual compulsivity so that you cannot only get support but also begin to understand at least one possible option. Then, talk to them in detail about your options, his reactions to seeking serious help, and how he has been acting generally throughout his relationship with you and your family.
The tone and quality of this behavior might be in keeping with his previous behavior or completely out of character. These are factors you’ll need to consider when you decide how you would like to proceed.
But first and foremost, your health should be a top priority. Serious sexual conditions such as cervical cancer is linked to the human papillomavirus (HPV). And HPV is a common STI.
I’m sorry this is happening to you, and I hope you find quality professional guidance to help you through these troubling times.
Thank you for writing,
Dr. K
