Introduction: Breaking the Silence About Intimacy
After thirty years of working with couples facing intimacy challenges, I’ve observed one consistent pattern: couples who can’t talk openly about sex often struggle with their intimate relationships. When couples don’t talk about sex explicitly, their sexual lives suffer terribly. In this guide, we’ll explore not only how to approach the topic but also understand why the avoidance exists in the first place.
Understanding Sexual Avoidance
One of the most pervasive misconceptions in my practice is assuming your partner “doesn’t like sex.” There’s a secret some partners keep from the other: They like sex. However, they don’t like having sex with their spouse. This isn’t just a verbal secret – their displeasure or lack of arousal shows every time they have sex with their partners.
Often, they may know something isn’t working well sexually but have either hinted around it or never brought it up. If they told their partner outright, their partner might have either not understood or refused to comply with their requests for behavior change. Without direct communication about sex, inside or outside the bedroom, sexual talk is vague with a lot of generalizations like “I guess it’s okay” or “It could be better.”
It becomes nearly impossible to say things like: “The way you make love to me just doesn’t work for me. I don’t get particularly aroused. I need you to change it to start doing this and stop doing that…” or “I want to do this, and when I try, you seem to just stop me.”
It is essential to clarify that you are trying to improve your way of communicating your desires and get better at being an effective lover. Your goal is not to insult your partner or their feelings for you.
The “Sex Expert” Phenomenon
I’ve had shocked “Sex Experts” in session. I call them “Sex Experts” because they are the ones who outwardly proclaim being more comfortable with sex, feeling more skilled at sex, and overall wanting to “help” or “encourage” their partner. In these marriages, they believed their partners “didn’t like sex,” only to discover a different truth.
As a young clinician, I worked with a wife who withdrew sexually from her husband, and he assumed she didn’t like sex and had a low sex drive. So did she. She returned to me some years later to describe intensely pleasurable sexual experiences she had with another lover since her divorce. She wanted me to know that these experiences showed her that she wasn’t sexually “broken.”
With another couple, the couple learned that the sexually disinterested partner was highly sexual but enjoyed sexual activities that were outside the “Sex Expert’s” comfort level. This “low sexual desire” partner had hinted at what they wanted before coming to therapy but never wanted to discuss their desires directly. She felt both ashamed of her intense feelings and feared hurting her husband’s feelings or frightening him with her sexual interests. Very quickly, the role of the “Sex Expert” reversed, as did the husband’s prior demands for more and “better” sex.
Breaking Down Communication Barriers
Many spouses want to know how to talk about sex with their partner, and it’s not always because they have an unhappy sexual life. Sometimes, even when the sex is good, they want it to be even better! While it’s easier if you’ve talked about sex at the beginning of the relationship, if that hasn’t been your experience, start by owning up to the reasons you’ve avoided it and contributed to this dead zone of silence.
Understanding Arousal and Sexual Response
Some couples, by sheer force of will, manage to reach orgasm without ever being very highly aroused. Others don’t ever feel particularly aroused but engage in sex to “get along.” If this is an occasional thing, fine. But if lubricants and Viagra doses that no longer work become the status quo, it’s time to talk about arousal.
Becoming aroused is the process of changing your bodily state from your “everyday” feelings to feeling sexually aroused (“turned on”). Some people find it easy to become turned on. Emily Nagoski talks about this as your “accelerator.” With just a tiny bit of outside force, people with a responsive accelerator can quickly focus on their bodies and like the pleasant feelings that arousal brings. They find arousal positive. It’s a great feeling they love to experience and want more of it in their lives.
For others, however, they have a slow or non-reactive accelerator. The shifting from their “normal” bodily state to focusing on an “aroused” state doesn’t happen easily. It’s not an effortless shift. These folks need more practice tuning into their pleasurable sensations in everyday life and what gives them joy. It requires a conscious awareness and a positive attitude to allow that change. Without that effort, these folks can interpret their body’s sexual arousal as feeling “annoyed” rather than pleased.
Case Studies in Sexual Response
Theresa and Thomas: About the Accelerators
This was the case with Theresa, who seldom thought about sex, had sexual fantasies, or self-pleasured. She married Thomas, who didn’t need much to be in the mood for love and was easily aroused. The couple found it hard to talk about sex because Thomas expected Theresa to be like him: Have frequent thoughts and desires for sex. Theresa never initiated sex but never understood why. She was okay with the way she was until Thomas expressed his dissatisfaction with the status quo. Rather than feeling like she had a blueprint for how to tune into her own sensations, she just felt less than compared to her “normal” husband. Afterward, Theresa went out of her way to change the subject whenever Thomas brought it up. She didn’t know why she never thought about sex, and talking about it made her feel inadequate. So she stonewalled the conversation.
Nancy and Elliot Weston: About the Brakes
“Let’s talk about our sex life” can be met with shame, embarrassment, avoidance, or annoyance, but not because of a sluggish accelerator. Sometimes, the issue is an overly sensitive brake. Talking about a sensitive brake can be challenging because it makes the speaker seem fussy, hypercritical, or just plain making stuff up to avoid continuing sex with their partner.
Such was the case in an episode of Thirtysomething when the couple in couples therapy recalled a sexual experience that ended badly. Elliot and Nancy were in bed, and kissing started; arousal began for both when Elliot touched Nancy’s lower leg and began to complain. “You didn’t shave your legs. How do you expect me to get turned on feeling that kind of stubble?” Of course, the sex stopped.
Couples like Nancy and Elliot believe that there is someone fundamentally wrong with their marriage, because Elliot just wasn’t so picky early in their relationship. However, what they don’t realize is that the bodily reactions are heightened in the newness of a relationship, and issues arise when these reactions begin to fade. This typically happens when limerance fades in 18-36 months.
The Role of Resentment
Resentment is the silent killer of marriage. It’s like partially flushed poop that hangs around the pipes stinking up the entire house. Get enough of it in the pipes, and the sex stops entirely. Without the effective “flush” of frequent complaining, it builds up and builds up until an eruption when the toilet overflows, filling the relationship with angry accusations and attacks.
Once sex stops, at least one partner now has something they can point to to vent out loud periodically. “We never have sex!”
There can be a great deal of resentment that comes out in conversations (or the lack of conversations) about sex. The conversation might seem to be focused solely on how much sex a couple is or isn’t having, but that is seldom the sum total of it. More often, there is a lot of unspoken resentment about many things in the marriage, and these seem somehow “irrelevant” when they come up in response to a “sex talk.” They aren’t.
Practical Steps to Improve Sexual Communication
- Start Small and Acknowledge Past Difficulties First, pick a good time and place. Find a private place where you both aren’t under time pressure and your spouse isn’t engrossed elsewhere. Try this: “You know, I read about articles on how to have a great sex life all the time, but I never bring them up to you. I guess I just feel weird talking about sex with you. Or anyone really. It’s probably from my childhood where my parents never talked about sex.”
If there is silence for over 60 seconds (yes, count silently to yourself), continue: “You know, I read that a famous researcher found that couples who talk about sex have a better sex life by a LOT.”
- Use Research to Start the Conversation According to researcher John Gottman, only 9% of couples who can’t comfortably talk about sex with one another say that they’re satisfied sexually. And when those couples do share, they talk in such vague terms that no one listening could guess it’s about sex.
- Address the Broader Context If you think the problem is restricted to talking about “sex,” think again. Sex is an avenue to demonstrate your feelings for one another. Do you regularly check in with each other? Are you holding on to resentments? Do you avoid talking about things you disagree about?
- Embrace Healthy Conflict If you avoid creating sparks with one another (fights) you will not get fire. If you don’t get fire, you won’t get heat. Without heat, your relationship lacks passion. While Gottman found that the way a couple fights is very important, how much they fight isn’t a vital factor in marital happiness.
Seven Key Steps for Better Sexual Communication:
- Admit Past Failures. “No matter how hard I try to come across as gentle and caring, I end up accusing you of stuff and being a jerk.” or “The last time we tried to talk about sex, we didn’t have sex for a week!” Own your part in communication breakdowns.
- State Clear Intentions. Begin the conversation by saying you want to have a productive conversation about the way you two relate sexually without blame or shame.
- Speak From Personal Experience. Stop trying to mind read or speak for your partner. Even if you think you are the “Sex Expert” between the two of you, you may not be. Know what are your brakes and accelerators and be willing to share them.
- Address Difficult Topics. Talk about what you most want to avoid talking about. If you agreed to stop watching porn, talk about how you broke that agreement. If you refuse to stop, say so. If it was an old affair, admit that you both still haven’t worked through the hurt of it and have pulled away sexually as a result.
- Develop Common Language. Take time to discuss how you refer to body parts and sexual activities. Some words describing genitals can be a turn-on or turn-off. Don’t make sex talk harder by using words that unknowingly upset your partner.
- Learn from Other Cultures. Gottman’s research found that Hispanic couples talk more easily about sex and with a better sense of humor and perspective than either European American or African American couples do. They know what their lovers like in bed because they ask and tell more freely.
- Establish Clear Signals. Know how each likes to be approached for sex and do that instead of what you’re doing now. You might learn that what you like actually turns your partner off. Create clear, mutually understood signals for initiating intimacy.
Conclusion: Moving Forward with Better Communication
People who talk effectively about their sex lives are most often good friends first. They discuss everything, including resentments, when they arise. They don’t feel bossed or bullied. They don’t expect their partner to mindread. They live “out loud” and don’t “sacrifice” for the sake of the marriage.
How to talk about sex with your partner when they avoid it is never easy. However, meta-communicating or “talking about how hard it is to talk about” is sometimes helpful as a first step. Talk about how you feel when you talk about it, and if your partner says, “I don’t want to talk about it,” then talk about why that’s so hard to do.
Remember, the goal isn’t just better sex – it’s better intimacy overall. When you can talk openly about your sexual relationship, you’re building trust, understanding, and connection that extends far beyond the bedroom. Start small, be patient, and keep the conversation going. Your relationship deserves this level of care and attention.
