You did it. You and your partner decided to spend an entire weekend focused on improving your relationship. Here are some tips to enhance the outcomes of your investment:
1. Make sure your surroundings are as comfortable as possible.
If you live locally to your therapist and are thinking about commuting from home, secure lodging near the therapist’s office. If this is absolutely not an option for you, then see what you can do to make your home surroundings feel like a getaway.
The “getaway” allows you to take a break from the day-to-day life that happens when you are in your own home. It also allows you to create a special place and time to focus on your marriage. Also, staying close to your therapist’s office reduces the stress of commuting. For the occasional couple that has commuted an hour or more in one direction, these couples have often found the travel time combined with the 7 hour days can be exhausting.
If you are overwhelmed by the planning aspects, CTI can help. After you schedule your intensive, you will be sent a list of area lodging and dining options to help you plan your weekend.
2. Ensure each partner reads the informed consent form.
Folks need to know what to expect from couples therapy and the policies they are agreeing to when they engage in therapy. This online form is a helpful start to that process. It has important information on how clinicians work with couples.
Some clinicians may have their own consent form for you to review and sign, but understanding Couples Therapy Inc’s policies is a good start. If something does not make sense to you, ask for clarification, do not agree to something that you do not understand. Fully informed consent requires your understanding just as much as your signature.
A link to the form will be included when you are sent your invoice and can be requested at any time.
3. Complete the BIG BIG Book© by the due date.
Deadlines can be tough. Life is busy. There are so many questions in the BIG BIG Book© and completing this assessment online is essential.
It takes therapists several hours to review the BIG BIG Book© and clinicians cannot review it until both partners complete it. If one or both partners delays completion, then it delays reviewing.
Which means it delays planning for the intensive. Since each intensive is tailored to the couple, the window of time between the due date and the intensive is vital for the clinician to review two thousand data points then plan the intensive.
Occasionally a clinician may want to consult with another seasoned clinician to get feedback or suggestions. Score! Two therapists for the price of one! This can only happen effectively if the BIG BIG Books© are done by that due date.
The BIG BIG Book© can also be helpful in organizing your own experiences of the relationship while you wait for your intensive weekend.
One suggestion: schedule 2-3 two hour windows to complete your BIG BIG Book© between the time you get the link and the due date (that information is in the same email). For a lot of folks, if it’s not scheduled, it’s not getting done. You can also coordinate with your partner these windows to ensure whatever needs attention is covered, e.g., attending to young children, running an errand, etc.
Important note: If you bring up a problem in the BIG BIG Book© but not during the intensive, it won’t get covered.
Let’s say you feel unappreciated and you write at length in the BIG BIG Book© about this issue. If you don’t bring it up during the intensive with your partner in the room, the therapist will not disclose the specifics of this issue to your partner. There are several opportunities during intensives for couples to share what they want to work on, e.g., sharing your goals for the intensive, during the feedback assessment session, and when planning with the therapist the focuses for the work during the therapy hours of the intensive.
If you are worried or avoidant about bringing up an issue with your partner in the room, then that’s something helpful to discuss with the therapist during the individual assessment meetings.
4. Take off the day after the intensive.
If not the full day, at least go in late. Intensives are…intense. It’s common for folks to feel physically and emotionally drained after the intensive is completed. If it’s possible, giving your brain and body some time to rest the day after can be helpful.
Some folks even plan to return home later on Sunday. They take that time to go out to dinner or go for a leisurely walk. This allows some space before immediately jumping into childcare or other household tasks.
5. Follow up with book recommendations.
These can be helpful primers for the work you’ll do during the weekend intensive. Don’t expect hearing or reading something once, that you’ll get it forever. These reads can be helpful starting points to get your brain familiar with the language of romantic relationships.
The following are a few that Couples Therapy Inc clinicians recommend:
- The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by Dr. John Gottman
- Some therapists will view this as a requirement since the predominant couples therapy model is Dr. Gottman’s method. You will get more out of the intensive by reading this book before the intensive.
- What Makes Love Last?: How to Build Trust and Avoid Betrayal by Dr. John Gottman and Nan Silver
- Hold Me Tight by D. Sue Johnson
- Tell Me No Lies: How to Face the Truth and Build a Loving Marriage by Dr. Ellyn Bader and Dr. Peter Pearson
Or after you’ve booked, send your Couples Therapy Inc clinician an email asking if they have any specific reads given what you shared with them about your goals for an intensive.
6. Online Course: Upgrade Your Couples Therapy
Couples Therapy Inc offers a free online course which can be helpful in starting the couples therapy process. Couples therapy is different from individual therapy in lots of ways, and Couples Therapy Inc clinicians are selected because they know how to provide genuine couples therapy. This course is a good place to start and for you to have something productive to work on as you wait for your intensive.
7. Commit to Going.
Who is this therapist person?
Where are we even going?
Is this really going to help?
Did we just spend a ton of money for nothing?
It hasn’t worked in the past, what’s going to make this different?
These are only some of the questions that may come up for a few folks after booking their weekend.
If this isn’t you–great! You needn’t worry about ambivalence or wanting to hit the eject button.
Occasionally, one partner, or even both, may want to back out of the intensive. It’s normal to have second guesses. It’s normal to get cold feet. Sometimes it shows up as nitpicking little things, anxiety, finding problems (where are we going to stay, how do we get there, I have to get time off of work?).
Sometimes you have hope but then you realize how much you have to work on between completing the The BIG BIG Book© and the intensive.
These hesitations are all normal. Suggestions for management coming up…
8. Self-Regulation
What does this even mean? Simply put: it means calming your nervous system.
When you start noticing anxiety, anger, frustration, fear, thoughts to back out, avoidance in completing The BIG BIG Book©, or thinking it’s not going to work, there’s a chance your nervous system is reading this large change or uncomfortable situation as a sign of danger
This is just your nervous system doing its job and trying to keep you safe.
Some ways to regulate your nervous system include:
- standing in your bare feet on the earth (grass, sand, etc.)
- take a 15 minute walk outside
- 2x breathing, which is when your exhale is twice as long as your inhale, e.g., inhale for count of 2, exhale for a count of 4) for 5 minutes
- pet a dog or cat (or other friendly pet)
- listen to a song or two that helps move the feeling in your body and dissipate it.
- exercising
- or try this breathing exercise
These are only a few suggestions, but try a couple out a few times throughout your day and see which ones work for you.
In Conclusion
Preparing for your couples therapy intensive weekend is an investment in your relationship’s future. By following these eight essential steps – from creating a comfortable environment to managing pre-therapy anxiety – you’ll be better positioned to make the most of this transformative experience. Remember, it’s normal to feel nervous or uncertain, but with proper preparation and self-regulation techniques, you and your partner can approach your intensive therapy weekend with confidence and openness. The journey to strengthening your relationship begins with these thoughtful preparations, and your commitment to the process is the first step toward positive change.
