Dear Dr. K,
Why can’t I leave or tell him to leave. My husband lies, cheats and takes lots of money. He still sees his affair partner but denies it. What is wrong with me? Married 29 years.
Trapped in Turmoil
Dear Trapped in Turmoil,
My heart goes out to you. First, I want you to know that there’s nothing “wrong” with you. Your question shows incredible self-awareness and strength – recognizing a difficult situation and reaching out for help takes real courage.
Your life is entangled
When we’ve built a life with someone over 29 years, leaving isn’t as simple as others might think. Our lives become deeply intertwined – emotionally, financially, and practically. Lies, chronic infidelity and financial exploitation in long-term relationships usually doesn’t happen on day-one.
You are waiting for his love to return
Most of us have been seduced into believing that our spouses adore us and have our best interests at heart.
When they begin to demonstrate otherwise, it is usually accompanied by words that cause us to doubt ourselves and even reality itself. It is also often accompanied by excuses, requests for pity or caring, or even threats that we’re “crazy” for doubting them. This is called “gaslighting.”
You still feel love for him
Also, let’s not forget that you probably still love this man despite his horrific behavior. Maybe you have children and grandchildren together and you worry about the impact on them if you split up. You might worry about money and how to support yourself on a lower standard of living.
Many people find themselves frozen in similar situations for very understandable reasons.
You are trauma-bonded to him
You might be experiencing what psychologists call “trauma bonding,” where difficult circumstances actually strengthen our attachment to someone, even when they’re hurting us. Add to this the very real practical concerns about separation after such a long marriage, and it’s no wonder you feel stuck.
You are beginning to awaken. Your email is a sign
But here’s what I want you to consider: The fact that you’re asking this question suggests part of you knows you deserve better.
You do.
You don’t control his choices. You aren’t responsible for them.
Your husband’s behavior – the lies, infidelity, and financial exploitation – isn’t a reflection of your worth. It’s a reflection of his choices.
The first step is to put the responsibility for his behavior where it belongs: On HIM. And realize that while people can change, they first have to admit something is very seriously wrong with their behavior and put enormous work into changing themselves.
Watch his actions, not his words. Ignore his promises.
Don’t expect his behavior to change, even if his words promise something different. Watch what he does, not what he says or promises.
Protect yourself by withdrawing and not engaging.
Next, begin to protect yourself by slowly withdrawing from the “invitation” to fight with him about his toxic behavior. It is called “gray rocking” or “yellow rocking.” And expect pushback when you no longer take the bait. He’ll get curious and perhaps even intensify his behavior to get a reaction out of you. Next, he may get scared if you don’t react and might start to court you again or make promises. This is all to be expected. Assume it will not last.
Switch the focus to yourself instead of him.
Begin investigating how you can prepare yourself for a safer, saner life. This varies depending on your situation, and every relationship is different.
But start by cutting yourself some slack. You have been bamboozled. Snookered. And it’s pretty likely that you were pretty successfully taken in by him. Women often believe they are the luckiest person on Earth for finding such a swell guy. That’s a skillful conman.
Small Steps
You should consider starting with small steps. Would you be willing to:
- Talk with a counselor who specializes in relationship trauma?
- Consult with a financial advisor to understand your options?
- Confide in a trusted friend or family member who can offer support?
Here are some initial steps you can take:
What support do you feel you need most right now? Make a list and start with a small step. Don’t try to change everything at once.
- Build your support system privately
- Connect with trusted friends and family members who can offer emotional support
- Consider finding a therapist who specializes in relationship trauma and building self-worth
- Research local domestic violence organizations, as financial abuse often qualifies for their services and support
- Protect yourself financially
- Begin documenting all financial transactions and evidence of missing money
- Open a separate bank account in your name only if you haven’t already
- Gather copies of important financial documents and store them securely
- Consider consulting with a financial advisor who has experience with divorce. Half his resources (money, businesses, etc) is yours in most places. Learn how to learn where and what these are.
- Prepare practically while maintaining normalcy.
- Start setting aside some emergency money if possible
- Create a simple exit plan, including where you could stay temporarily if needed
- Gather important documents like ID, birth certificate, insurance cards etc.
- Keep a small bag packed with essentials that you can access easily
- Work on emotional preparation
- Journal your feelings and experiences to maintain clarity
- Challenge thoughts of self-blame – his choices are not your fault
- Focus on small acts of self-care to build inner strength
- Remind yourself that you deserve honesty and respect
Remember that leaving doesn’t have to happen all at once. Taking these preliminary steps can help you feel more empowered and prepared when you’re ready to make that final break. Consider speaking with a divorce attorney to understand your rights and options, even before you’re certain about leaving.
Most importantly, be patient and gentle with yourself during this process. Healing and building the strength to leave happens gradually, and that’s completely normal.
Leaving or asking him to leave doesn’t have to happen today. What’s important is building your support system and understanding your options.
You’ve shown strength just by asking this question. That same strength will help you take whatever next steps are right for you when you’re ready.
And remember to give yourself grace to grieve, even after you’ve moved on. You had a dream, and now it’s over. You believed you would have a wonderful life and you got one full of heartache. Be gentle to yourself.
Thanks for writing.
Dr. K
