Dear Dr. K,
I’m feeling very neglected by my mate lately. We started dating in May 2000. He has been very secretive about most of his life, i.e., phone calls, who and where he’s been… for years, and I accepted this. But he would rudely shut me out every weekend and leave me in tears, never knowing what I did to cause his behaviors.
Lately, he seems to be overwhelmingly trying to repair our relationship, yet he still has control over me in a lot of ways (meaning I walk on eggshells). We seem to be struggling to sit near each other in the TV room. We never hold hands, and he never reaches out to touch me. Yet he expects me to want to be all in love after years of hurting me.
What should I do? I love him, and I know he loves me, but we are struggling to be intimate. Some days we never talk unless it’s me listening to him.
Heartbroken After Decades
Dear Heartbroken After Decades,
When you first started to date, you entered into an implicit agreement that you and your mate would remain distant and relatively uninvolved. You’ve accepted this. You were hurt by his shutting you out, leaving you in tears.
It’s also noteworthy that you believe you had to do something for him to act as he’s always acted: distant and dismissive.
You didn’t and don’t have to do anything because you describe this as just how he acts toward you.
But if you did upset him somehow, it is his job to speak up and to tell you so and what you did.
You say he is actively trying to repair your relationship, but you don’t trust him and his efforts because he remains physically unaffectionate. Based on your description, I’m not sure he expects anything from you. You describe being mutually in love, but it is hard to know what evidence you use that shows you that.
Love, Heartbroken After Decades, is a verb, not a noun. It is also an action verb, meaning that it describes a series of actions one person takes toward another. One of those actions is the process of opening up, sharing your innermost thoughts and feelings with another person, and developing greater comfort and ease being in each other’s company. You don’t describe this, so I’m not sure I would call what you have a “love relationship.”
Maybe you want to remain with him, or maybe you both want to change the terms of your relationship so that you can each get closer to the other person. But this is challenging because it means breaking well-established patterns of distance and little open communication.
You should not assume your relationship will change without a concerted effort on both of your parts to change it. You can’t do it alone, and you can’t change the terms of your current relationship without his cooperation.
If both of you are dedicated to doing so, there are many avenues. You can start by taking a weekend called “The Art and Science of Love.” Over two days, you can learn essential skills and understand what makes a relationship work.
That would be a great beginning.
Thanks for writing.
Dr. K
