Dear Dr. K,
My husband was working out of the country and had a physical affair that lasted less than a year. Once he returned they then continued a long distance emotional affair for 6 years. He never went back to that country. I just found out and I was devastated but we’re working on the marriage. How can emotional affairs last so long? She is single. He was 60 and she was 50 when this started.
Devastated
Understanding Long-Term Emotional Affairs
Dear Devastated,
My heart aches for you. Finding out about a long-term betrayal like this feels like the ground suddenly disappearing beneath your feet. Trust me – I understand why you’re struggling to make sense of it all.
Let’s talk about why emotional affairs can stretch on for so long, because this is something that haunts many people in your situation. These relationships have a unique staying power that often surprises everyone involved – even the people having them.
Affairs as Fantasy
Think of it like this: Your husband’s affair started in person, creating a real spark. But when he returned home, something peculiar happened. Without the messiness of daily life – no morning breath, no arguments about dishes, no real-world complications – their connection stayed frozen in a perfect, artificial bubble: just the highlight reel, none of the reality.
Distance actually made it easier to maintain. Strange, right? But it’s true. They could text or call whenever they felt their best, presenting only their most charming, witty selves—no bad days required.
The fact that she was single added another layer. There was no other spouse to discover the affair, no chance of a messy public revelation. Your husband could compartmentalize this relationship into a neat little box separate from his “real” life with you.
His age when this started—60—is significant. It’s not a male midlife crisis. He was too old for that category. But when many people hit 60, something shifts. They start questioning their lives, wondering about roads not taken. An emotional affair can feel like a way to recapture youth or explore a different version of themselves. It’s not right, but it happens.
What makes me hopeful is that you’re both working on the marriage. That takes tremendous courage – from both of you. But for this to work, your husband needs to get deeply to the bone honest. Not just about what happened, but about why. What void was he trying to fill? What made it so hard to let go? These are tough questions, but they’re essential ones.
And you? You get to feel everything you’re feeling. Rage. Heartbreak. Confusion. All of it. Your world has been shaken to its core. Don’t let anyone rush your healing process.
Steps Toward Healing
Here’s what I want you to do:
Find a skilled couples therapist (you can check us out for intensive affair recovery). You both need a safe space to unpack this mess. The right therapist can help you navigate these treacherous waters.
Insist on radical transparency from your husband. No more secrets. No more hidden communications. He needs to understand that rebuilding trust requires complete openness.
Take care of yourself. Whether that means long walks, time with friends, or your own individual therapy – make it a priority. You can’t pour from an empty cup.
The Path Forward
Remember this: An emotional affair this long leaves deep scars, but they can heal. I’ve seen couples emerge stronger after similar betrayals. It takes time, commitment, and brutal honesty from both partners. But it’s possible.
You’re stronger than you know. Whatever path you choose – whether it’s rebuilding your marriage or forging a new life – trust your gut. You’ve got this. And you’re not alone.
Dr. K
