Dear Dr. K,

In mid-March I found some very flirty texts between my husband and a female coworker. They were mostly jokes about how hot each other is and him sending her pictures of when he was younger-her replying with gifs of him being hot and her saying he has the most beautiful eyes and him replying that he is going to have to leave work before there is a problem; very flirtatious at which point I called him at work and he admitted and apologized. 

I sort of forgave the situation after many talks and about a month later saw that they had been talking on the phone (via my phone bill) after work and on the weekends for long periods of time for about three weeks prior to when I found the texts (which there were many more of that I didn’t see). 

Our marriage was not in the greatest state at the time, and we had not been intimate for probably four years. I noticed when he began the phone calls with her he was also changing his appearance and researching vitamins and other products to aid with ED. They both still work together, but at a different company, and since this our relationship has been mostly great and very active socially, great communication and we have been going out to dinner and are intimate a lot. We have two children together.

I am not sure if this sounds like something physical actually happened or if it was just him thinking about it and preparing in case, I just can’t seem to stop trying to figure out if anything did. It did seem like when we began being intimate again, it was not so easy at first, and now it is fine. Is this a good sign? Thank you

Rebuilding but Restless

Dear Rebuilding but Restless,

The most erotic part of the human body is the brain. This story is an excellent example of it. For whatever reason, your husband had an emotional affair with a woman who he found irresistible because she flattered him and made him feel good about himself.

He apologized for seeking it out in another woman rather than discussing it with you. We all want to feel sexy and desired. We want that even more than the actual satisfaction that comes with orgasm. Many unhappy couples orgasm regularly with each other but they don’t make each other feel attractive and wanted.

What’s difficult in the situation you describe is that it is hard to want to make someone feel desired when you, yourself, feel betrayed and abandoned.

Let me explain the betrayal here because it gets confusing for many people when the affair isn’t physical. Many spouses don’t know how to talk to their spouse about something like this because the culture can trivialize it. “Did you have sex with her?” is often the first question, but not the best one.

For many straying spouses, an emotional affair is an opportunity to stare into a mirror and like the image that is shining back at them. They become entranced with the feeling and want more and more of it. They begin to believe that they are a worthy person capable of being their “best self.” The vitamins, gym membership, new haircut, and new clothes reflect this new-found attitude.

For some, the fact that this relationship is hidden and clandestine makes it all the more exciting. The spouse becomes the “harsh parent” who “wouldn’t understand” that this is all “innocent” because “no sex is involved.” No sex, perhaps, but something far more intoxicating: “She/he makes me feel young again, vibrant, alive, capable and powerful.”

These feelings center one’s thoughts about this new person. They are granted enormous powers. The person is imbued with the magic wand that makes a ho-hum life special.

While it may be a good sign that your two are intimate again, it is better if you learned what about your husband’s life needed to be lifted into a fantasy place. Sharing his “crazy” hopes and dreams with you is so much more valuable than sharing his genitals (however, they are helpful too.) Most women in your situation focus, as he typically does, on the qualities of the “other woman” instead of what that relationship generated inside of him. 

When you truly understand this and allow him to trust you with this often hidden and discarded sense of self, you become the temptress, the beloved, the enchanted spirit that motivates him to strive to be his best self. This is a daily task of talking daily about points of pride and frustrations and being taken seriously.

Until you know this, he remains vulnerable to anyone else who can bring that out in him.

Thanks for writing.

Dr. K

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