Dear Dr. K,
My wife and I have been together for 21 years and married for 9 years. Sex is really a job to her. When I bring up that I’d love to make love to her, she’ll flip out, yelling at me and saying [horrible things]. And why doesn’t she admit that she treats me like I’m a joke? Nine out of 10 times, as soon as we’re alone, it’s like nothing happened. If I bring it up to her, I’m stupid, or her go-to move is, “We need to divorce and the house is mine.” I hear her talking crap behind my back, which she denies every single time.
Walking on Eggshells
Dear Walking on Eggshells,
The reason why sex exists between men and women in this century goes beyond reproduction. It functions as an emotional bond, a way of expressing one’s feelings about one’s partner and allowing for mutual pleasure. For you, none of this is true. You might have sex, but there is no safety or security in it. You can’t even talk about your feelings without her threatening you (“We need to divorce!”) or name-calling (calling you stupid.) She also talks about you negatively and is dishonest with you, denying and gaslighting you.
Walking on Eggshells, you are correct; your wife does not respect you. While she might have sex with you, she humiliates you and makes you feel small. You lose self-confidence and mental and emotional energy. When you try to talk about her abusive behavior, she threatens you.
Now the question is, what will you do about it?
People get the marriages they are willing to settle for. It now is crystal clear to you that you are in an emotionally abusive relationship. Emotionally abusive relationships can change, but only if the abuser recognizes that their behavior is unacceptable.
The first step is to find a quiet time when both of you are fed and well-rested and have a serious conversation with her. You can’t change her; you can say nothing to make her want to change. But you CAN point out to her that her behavior is damaging to you and the marriage, and while you want to make the marriage better, you can’t do it alone.
You can ask her to go with you and seek qualified help to improve it. She can agree to go or not. But you have to be willing to go, regardless of whether she goes with you.
If she becomes abusive and calls you names, get up and leave the room or leave the house. Don’t engage with her further. You have your answer.
We don’t often talk about men in emotionally abusive relationships. Or when we do talk about it, it’s framed as a woman responding to a man’s abuse by being abusive herself. That’s wrong.
Men are emotionally abused, and you are describing her role in the abuse. That behavior is corrosive and hurts not only your feelings but also your self-esteem.
It sounds as if you back down when she threatens divorce and to take the house. You should speak to a qualified attorney to learn about your rights. And, the more fearful you are that she might follow through, the more willing you are to tolerate her abuse.
You don’t need to have her confirm that she’s speaking badly about you to others. She is providing enough direct evidence about how she feels about you.
While I don’t know you or your wife, and I can’t give individual counseling advice, I would recommend that anyone in your situation stop having sex with their abuser. Talk to someone about your situation one-on-one. Learn why you stay and what you can do to change your situation.
You deserve to be loved and respected. You deserve to be treated kindly and spoken to with love. None of that is happening right now, and it’s not just happening about sex, it’s happening throughout your relationship. I hope you get the help you deserve.
Thank you for writing,
Dr. K
