Considering Divorce or Separation?

Decide with Confidence with
Discernment Counseling

Decide whether to work on the marriage or take steps to end it. 

Discernment Counseling tackles painful ambivalence

If you are considering divorce or separating but aren’t sure if it’s the right path for you, we can help. Take one more careful look at your marriage and settle on a permanent decision you can live with. Divorce has long-term consequences but is sometimes unavoidable. Painful breakup may be stopped when the path to happiness is clear. 1-5 sessions maximum after an extensive assessment. Complete over a weekend or online.

  • Stay with a clear roadmap to intimacy, happiness, and calm.
  • Leave with the assurance that you've done everything possible.
  • Complete an online assessment privately and speak one-to-one with a counselor who knows you and helps you to get clear. You'll be guided to share with your partner what you've learned in a calm, direct way. No "back and forth" endless fighting.

"Discernment Counseling isn't marriage counseling or pure divorce counseling. It doesn't rehash tired old issues you've covered a thousand times. Whether this marriage works out or not, Discernment Counseling helps you get clear on what you want, what you're willing to do to get it, and offers positive solutions to move forward productively. "

Dr. Kathy McMahon

Psychologist, President, Couples Therapy Inc. International. Practices discernment Counseling near You in MA, FL, CA, AZ

What is Discernment Counseling? 

Are you facing the possible end of your relationship? Perhaps you're at a crossroads and seeking guidance to move forward, whether that's staying together or parting ways. If you're in this situation, you might have considered and rejected couples therapy or marriage counseling.

Finding the right help can be overwhelming. You may have come across terms like discernment therapy or discernment counseling. These methods offer a different approach, especially for couples on the brink of separation or divorce. But you could be in any number of situations. 

Examples of couples wondering about Discernment Counseling.

The angry "I want a divorce!" couple.

When Lorna and Luke first called, they weren’t sure what they wanted. Lorna had asked for a divorce at the height of another terrible fight.

Luke simply passively agreed, as he often did. As we spoke, Lorna felt increasingly hopeless and fed-up with being married to Luke, who constantly let her down. Still, she did not want to divorce, and was willing to reconsider.

"I've tried help. It's hopeless. I don't want to slow down the divorce" couple.

Diane and Dave had already gotten attorneys by the time we spoke. Right before they were about to file, Dave asked if they could see a marriage counselor one more time.

Diane wasn’t sure. She cared for Dave but previous therapists were never helpful. These sessions simply kicked up the dirt and made things worse.

Also, she felt that they had made real progress on the divorce already. She didn't want to have to start over.

"I'm in love with someone else and I don't want to tell you" couple.

Valerie and Victor called at Valerie’s urging. Valerie loved her family and was willing to do anything to preserve it.

Victor said he didn't want couples counseling, but his divorce lawyer thought talking to someone was a good idea. Victor learned about and decided to attend a Discernment Counseling weekend.

Victor's reluctance was because he was in an ongoing affair, and had fallen in love with his affair partner. His wife didn't know and he wanted to keep it that way. Discernment therapy has no requirements that the therapist must share what is said in one-to-one sessions. In fact, they are confidential. Victor's affair will be kept private by the therapist.

How Discernment Counseling helps

Each of these couples called about Discernment Counseling but each were in a different place in their lives. Lorna and Luke actually needed a last shot couples therapy, not the generalists they had seen before. They were referred for an intensive marriage counseling retreat.

Diane and Dave were well suited for an intensive discernment counseling weekend. Diane’s reluctance to try therapy again made the time limited, individually-oriented discernment protocol a better bet.

She couldn't bear the thought of joint sessions where Victor pleaded with her to stay. She liked the idea of discussing their relationship with someone impartial. She wanted to get an assessment that would objectively identify their problems. Being time-limited, she could easily return to the divorce process if it didn't work.

Valerie and Victor also could do Discernment counseling, because Victor wasn't ready to reveal his affair. He thought divorcing Valerie would be easier (on him) than dealing with the fall-out of the affair reveal.

Who created Discernment Counseling?

Discernment counseling was created by Dr. Bill Doherty of the Doherty Relationship Institute. It began during his work at the University of Minnesota. Here, a discernment counselor goes to train. The Doherty Relationship Institute, specializing in discernment counseling, recognized that couples therapy sometimes failed because one person was deeply ambivalent about whether to put effort into this relationship.

 He designed a protocol that takes the complexities of relationships into consideration. It offers a supportive environment for couples on the brink, even if they aren't sure whether they want to stay or go. 

Through this method, couples can gain insights, find resolution, and move forward with confidence, whether together or separately.

Who's a poor match for Discernment Counseling?

Not all couples are a good match for this work. If someone is 99% set on divorce, they do not need to go to Discernment Counseling to muse about the final 1%. They may benefit from individual therapy, instead.

Going to discernment therapy near you could be the key to clarity and confidence in your decision-making process. But there has  to be something to discern. If your mind is made up to divorce, it is a waste of time and money. 

Gaining clarity and confidence.

Discernment counseling involves multiple individual sessions where a spouse can openly share their thoughts and emotions with a therapist. The therapist then helps this partner share important information about their individual session. The status quo might feel intolerable, and the idea of committing to individual therapy might seem intimidating. The benefits of discernment counseling are many, to both the leaning out partner and the leaning in spouse. Solving issues immediately or diving into deeper discussions about what's wrong with the marriage is not the point. Instead, it's about gaining a deeper understanding of why your relationship dynamics don't work and to learn more about each other's contributions to the problems.

Discernment Counseling isn't marriage counseling

We learn to guide a mixed agenda couple through clarifying questions in private sessions. One partner might be leaning towards separation or divorce while the other wants to stay married. Each has their say in private therapeutic conversations. We explore their reasons and examine their contributions.

The process involves individual conversations with the counselor to explore options without rushing into decisions. This approach is based on a deeper commitment to couples, aiming to create a safe space for honest communication.

One of the goals of discernment counseling is to help couples see if there's potential to address underlying issues and work on the relationship. The focus is not on pushing anyone towards staying married or getting a divorce, but on reaching a decision with clarity and confidence.

The counselor doesn't take sides or offer direct advice; instead, they facilitate the process and provide a neutral ground for both partners. Through these sessions, couples can weigh the pros and cons of staying together or parting ways.

A time to pause and reflect

Many couples find that discernment counseling gives them a chance to pause and reflect before making such a significant decision. It allows time for introspection and exploration of what each partner truly wants and needs.

Sometimes, one partner might be leaning out, unsure if they want to continue the relationship, while the other is more committed to making it work. These differing views often lead to conflicts and uncertainties, which is where discernment counseling can offer guidance.

The process encourages honest conversations about the future without pressure. Here you'll navigate through uncertainties and explore various options without rushing into separation or divorce.

If you're considering discernment counseling near me, know that it's a process designed to help you gain clarity, not force a decision upon you. The goal is to empower both partners to make informed choices about the future of their relationship.

A safer place to be heard

When divorce is an open question, especially if you have children, it is painful to talk to one another. Emotions run high. A regrettable incidence or feelings of betrayal can cause you to feel angry, hurt, overwhelmed, withdrawn or wanting revenge. But it is necessary to discuss such an important decision while calm and thoughtful. Your children are counting on it, regardless of what you decide.

Discernment counseling calms things down, while helping to validate your emotions. Divorcing brings many concrete physical and financial legalities that have to be considered rationally. Revenge fantasies have no place in legal proceedings (and drive up the cost of a divorce). Learning to put these types of feelings aside, in favor of careful decision-making, sometimes takes a neutral third party. 

A villain-free family, even post-divorce

There are no villains or victims in Discernment therapy. Effective work involves a clear understanding of why one is unhappy enough to want to go and whether the other can tolerate hearing those factors. However, instead of a free for all exchange, a therapist works with each of you to first help you gain a better understanding of your situation. Then, your spouse joins to learn whatever you choose to share with them. Your words aren't up for debate. These are the thoughts you are willing to offer. 

Children and grandchildren need to be saved from the trauma of being stuck in the middle of blaming, name-calling or disrespectful attitudes about a beloved parent or grandparent.

Learning how to recognize and accept your contribution to the marital deterioration goes a long way toward becoming gracious. You'll be better posed in the face of emotionally challenging circumstances to understand yourself and your spouse more fully.

A weekend where cool heads prevail

When tempers cool, deciding whether you really want or need a divorce or conversely whether you want to work on your marriage can become a clearer option. Discernment counselors can help you temper and respond as effective coparents. What's the best way to talk to your children about the impending divorce without traumatizing them or worsening their emotional pain?

Facing divorce is among the most stressful life experiences in adulthood. Learning healthy coping strategies means you can apply these skills to any future challenges or stressful experiences.

Seek out discernment therapy near you.

Processing Powerful Emotions

Heartbreak, rage, overwhelming sadness, avoidance denial, or guilt are just some of the emotions felt when divorce is on the table

Manage Parenting Better

Toddlers to adult children with families of their own need to gain a better understanding of why divorce is happening.

Understand What Divorce Entails

Financial considerations are just one of many decisions that have to be examined when trying to decide whether divorce is the best option.

Do You Offer Discernment Counseling Near Me?

 Couples Therapy Inc. offers over 30 trained and certified discernment counselors across the USA. We practice in 45 states and five countries. We understand the steps to marital dissolution and help you to develop clarity and confidence in making a personal decision about your marriage. 


All of our therapists are specialists in helping couples, and half have doctoral degrees or are psychologists. 

Choose from highly experienced therapists across the USA -
Licensed in 45 states and 5 countries
Read over 250+ Reviews

Our relationship was tenuous at best after the discovery of my affair. We were considering separation and eventual divorce and didn’t see how we were going to get through this. My husband was struggling to come to terms with the affair and to understand it. I wasn't sure if it was worth doing; if he was unable to forgive the affair.

If you think you’ve tried couples therapy and it didn’t work for you, give this a chance. What we did in 2.5 days was incredible and could not have been accomplished with weekly one-hour sessions with a therapist.

Our relationship was very bad. We were trying to figure out if we would divorce.

After this intensive we have now reached an agreement on how to be with each other. We communicate better. We have a clear idea what to do.  We have a good plan for the next six months.

We were in a place after 20 years of marriage where we weren’t understanding one another and were considering divorce.

Couples Therapy Inc helped us to find ways to understand one another, and to know that we were both trying to accomplish the same things but with different approaches. We learned to be on the same team.

I had just found out my husband wanted to leave…I was trying to save our marriage.

Our discernment therapy turned into divorce planning. He was unwilling to work to reconcile the marriage. I found out he was having an affair. He was finally honest with me; I didn't know there was a problem until he told me he was leaving. At that point, he was unwilling to work on our relationship. I gained better communication skills once I found out the truth.

It is clear that my husband had no intention of reconciliation. It wasn't clear before.

I think without it, we would have gone through with an unnecessary, costly, divorce and thrown away a lifetime of future togetherness with our family. We will not be divorcing; we have begun to heal and have started to restore the Loyalty phase of our relationship that had broken in the first place.

We were getting a divorce. We were separated and she had been seeing other people and had been intimate with other people.

Previous couples therapy was very unsuccessful.

We are on a road to real recovery and happiness. 

If you haven't tried the intensive then you haven't tried everything. It was a painful but necessary step to move forward.

We had discussed and were likely headed for divorce. We never reconnected after my affair and never reset our shared lives together after the tumult of our early marriage years. 

We tried couples therapy. It was unsuccessful, to say the least. This is early days. We have a lot of work ahead. But this helped us stand back up, and to start walking forward again, together. And it gave us a blueprint for what that path might look like, without prescribing our destination. We both have shared hope. I didn’t realize how deeply I longed for that shared hope until our intensive helped us rediscover it.

We had tried couples counseling for a couple years before we filed for divorce and it seemed to do more harm than good. 

We decided to do this before divorce.

Our therapist made us talk about and deal with and have the tough conversations that we had been avoiding or were never able to have constructively. 

She was just amazing.

I honestly thought a divorce was a better option/alternative than to living as unhappy as I was. 

Couples Therapy Inc. was a true gift to us and our relationship and I would recommend them to anyone who is experiencing marital discord, uncertainty about divorce, or to just jump-start a long-term marriage.

We are getting a divorce, but I wanted to understand how we got there and figure out how to move forward. I was searching for discernment counseling near me.

I feel like it's not all my fault that our relationship failed, now. Our weekend helped us communicate better for the sake of kids.

We communicate better now.  I'm glad we worked with you. It was inspiring and comforting to know that good help is available if you don't wait too long to seek it out.

I did not see any option except divorce and now I see our future again. 

We uncovered a lot.

I'm a data person. Seeing the results of our assessment and her interpretation, made all the difference to both of us. Seeing how compatible we actually were and where we need to focus to move forward was very powerful.

Our relationship was strained with the weight of resentment towards each other and we were each considering that relief would come in the form of divorce.  

It was as if a re-start button was pushed and we could begin again as a couple. It provided relief from the heavy weight of anger, hurt, and resentment my husband and I were carrying; we felt lighter afterward.

It gave us hope that we could succeed as a couple.