Dear Dr. K,
My boyfriend has been a widower for 8 years.
I asked him if he could please put his wife’s pic in the living room with the others or anywhere besides the bedroom. He took all of them out of the bedroom but one. And all of her pics are on my side of the bed. Dear God, what’s wrong with this man?
Haunted Heart’s Girlfriend
Dear Haunted Heart’s Girlfriend,
Your boyfriend is giving you a clear message through his actions. The question is, exactly what is he saying? Here are a few possibilities:
- I’m a guy who is pretty oblivious to other people’s feelings.
- I feel guilty for cheating on my dead wife.
- I want to remind you that there was another woman that I deeply loved before you. I’m still married.
- Women are interchangeable. First, there was her; now, there’s you. If you die, I’ll keep both pictures on that side.
The late Dr. Joe LoPiccolo told a story once that I never forgot. A couple came in for sex therapy, as the husband was suffering from erectile dysfunction. When he took a history, the man revealed a comment that his late wife told him on her deathbed: “I see that you and Helen have gotten very close over my extended illness. I want you to know that I approve of this match. When I’m gone, I want you to know I’ll be watching…”
When asked if he had a picture of his late wife, he said, “Yes, it is over the bed.”
You are living with his late wife’s ghost. My hunch is that it’s going to take more than removing a picture to exorcise that force.
Time is a poor predictor of grief recovery. Some people process grief effectively, but many don’t. My hunch is that no matter how deeply you believe your boyfriend loves you, you only see the tip of the iceberg. The rest of his affections are long gone and buried; only the photos remain. Accept the photo as an important symbol, not as the “problem” in and of itself.
Holding onto a loved one is often seen as remaining loyal to their memory while processing the grief is often seen as abandoning them.
Even if you pressure him to remove the picture, he still hasn’t dealt with the underlying problem. I’m also guessing that he’s been dragging his heels on other matters of commitment or at least demonstrating deep ambivalence.
I suggest you find another place to sleep. Do it gracefully and without malice, but let him know that you think he has some grief work to do. When he’s done it adequately, you will be happy to resume your relationship as intimates. Many grief resources include low-cost or free options, religious and nonreligious venues, groups, and private avenues for processing.
You know something is wrong with this man. I’m giving you my best guess about what it is. See it as a symbol of a problem, not the problem itself.
Good luck!
Thanks for writing.
Dr. K
