I’ve seen my fair share of heated arguments and emotional meltdowns. They seem impossible to slow down or stop. But what if I told you that the key to calming down after a marital spat might be right under your nose? Literally. 

The Power of Focused Breathing 

Research by Ju and Lien (2016) has shed new light on an age-old practice: focused breathing. Their study, published in Consciousness and Cognition, compared two strategies for managing unwanted thoughts: focused-breathing strategy (FBS) and focused-distraction strategy (FDS). Now, you might be wondering, “What does this have to do with my relationship?” Stick with me, and I’ll connect the dots.

A Tale of Two Techniques 

Imagine you’ve just had a fight with your partner. Your mind is racing, replaying the argument on loop. You’re trying to calm down, but those intrusive thoughts keep barging in. This is where these strategies come into play. FBS involves directing your attention to your breath – the rise and fall of your chest, the air moving through your nostrils. FDS, on the other hand, asks you to focus on a mental image – like a blue sports car.

The Breath Advantage 

Ju and Lien’s study found that FBS was more effective at reducing both mind wandering and intrusive thoughts. And here’s the kicker – it worked regardless of a person’s cognitive abilities. In other words, focused breathing can work for you whether you’re a chess grandmaster or struggle with Sudoku. 

Beth and Brian: A Breathing Breakthrough 

Working intensively with couples, we have time time to practice and learn new strategies for old patterns. Let me tell you about Beth and Brian. They worked with me to learn FBS and practiced it together.

One night, after a particularly nasty fight, they put this practice into play. Instead of storming off or hurling more accusations, they sat down and focused on their breathing for five minutes. The result? They were able to approach their issues with clearer heads and calmer hearts. It wasn’t a magic fix but gave them a tool to manage their emotions and communicate more effectively. 

Why It Works 

So, why is focused breathing so effective? Research suggests it might quiet the mind by reducing activity in the brain’s default mode network – the area associated with mind wandering (Holzel et al., 2007). It’s like hitting the pause button on your mental chatter.

Gottman’s Flooding and Focused Breathing 

If you’re familiar with relationship research, you might have heard of John Gottman’s concept of “flooding” – that overwhelming physiological arousal that hijacks our ability to communicate effectively (Gottman & Levenson, 1988). Focused breathing can be a powerful antidote to flooding, helping to regulate our nervous system and bring us back to a state where productive dialogue is possible. 

Putting It Into Practice 

 Here are some tips for incorporating focused breathing into your relationship toolkit: 

 1. Start small: Begin with just a minute or two of focused breathing after minor disagreements.

2. Make it a team effort: Agree with your partner to use this technique together when things get heated

3. Practice regularly: Like any skill, focused breathing gets easier with practice. 

4. Be patient: It might initially feel awkward or ineffective, but stick with it. 

The Research in a Nutshell 

Ju and Lien’s study involved 82 undergraduates randomly assigned to either FBS or FDS groups. They completed tasks measuring mind wandering and thought suppression. While the study wasn’t focused on relationships, its findings have intriguing implications for emotional regulation in various contexts, including intimate partnerships. 

Beyond Breathing: The Bigger Picture 

While focused breathing is a powerful tool, it’s not a cure-all for relationship issues. It’s most effective when combined with other healthy relationship practices like managing conflict, expressing appreciation, and just being better friends. 

Remember Beth and Brian? 

Their breathing practice opened the door to more meaningful conversations about work-life balance and their shared vision for their new life together. 

In Conclusion 

The next time you find yourself in a heated argument with your partner, remember the power of your breath. It’s always there, accessible, and, according to this research, potentially more effective than other mental strategies for calming your mind. By incorporating focused breathing into your relationship toolkit, you’re not just managing arguments more effectively – you’re potentially rewiring your brain for better emotional regulation and more profound connection with your partner. So take a deep breath, and let the air of change flow through your relationship. Your future self (and your partner) will thank you. 

References

Gottman, J. M., & Levenson, R. W. (1988). The social psychophysiology of marriage. In P. Noller & M. A. Fitzpatrick (Eds.), Perspectives on marital interaction (pp. 182-200). Multilingual Matters. 

Holzel, B. K., Ott, U., Hempel, H., Hackl, A., Wolf, K., Stark, R., & Vaitl, D. (2007). Differential engagement of anterior cingulate and adjacent medial frontal cortex in adept meditators and non-meditators. Neuroscience Letters, 421(1), 16-21. 

Ju, Y. J., & Lien, Y. W. (2016). Better control with less effort: The advantage of using focused-breathing strategy over focused-distraction strategy on thought suppression. Consciousness and Cognition, 40, 9-16.