Navigating a neurodivergent marriage presents intricate challenges, confounding even the most skilled couples therapists. During a high-level training seminar for therapists some years back, a case was presented involving a husband labeled as self-absorbed, blunt, and resistant to his wife’s perspective. The therapist swiftly diagnosed him with narcissistic personality disorder, but I had a different hunch. The husband’s traits resembled those of a neurodivergent individual—a high-functioning form of autism—raising concerns about misdiagnosis and the overlooked prevalence of neurodivergence in marriages.
The challenge of a Neurodivergent marriage
Neurodivergent marriage is a challenging problem, even for otherwise skilled couples therapists. Several years ago, I participatied in a high-level training seminar for couples therapists.
A therapist was presenting a case involving a husband who she described as self-absorbed, blunt, hyper-focused on his own narrow interests, highly intelligent, but completely unwilling to entertain his wife’s point of view.
In concluding her case presentation, this therapist summarily diagnosed the husband as suffering from a narcissistic personality disorder.
I was concerned.
The husband sounded like he was Neurodivergent a high functioning form of autism. Read more about neurdivergence. Neurodivergents often have an above-average IQ, and are sometimes highly successful scientists, engineers, mathematicians, and technology workers.
According to thought leader Tony Atwood, the profession with the highest concentration of Neurodivergents is physicians. I have worked with many physicians who turned out to be neurodivergent.
Neurodivergence is a Well Kept Secret
Neurodivergence is often missed in early childhood, and many individuals do not receive a diagnosis until adulthood…if ever. Often Neurodivergents are aware that their brains are different and try to mimic (or “mask”) neurotypical behavior (NT) as best they can.
Many parents don’t realize that they are Neurodivergent until one of their children is diagnosed. Recognizing that a partner is on the spectrum is often a huge relief for struggling couples. It explains the concrete thought processes that are such a problematic aspect of intimate family life.
Neurodivergents face particular challenges in couples therapy because most therapists do not understand the notion of a Neurodivergent Marriage. Peter Thiel once said that secrets about people are under-appreciated. He also said that you can’t find secrets without looking for them.
Neurodivergent Marriages are stressed in two distinct ways. First, the challenges of a Neurodivergent Marriage are often hidden. Couples can go for decades without fully understanding why their communication problems are so intractable.
Secondly, most Neurodivergent Couples who enter couples therapy find themselves on the couch of a therapist with neither the training or awareness of how to work with a Neurodivergent Marriage.
I believe in standardizing automobiles. I do not believe in standardizing human beings. Albert Einstein
A few common ways to recognize neurodivergence
Communication and social cues
Perhaps the most universally recognized problem areas for Neurodivergents are NT communication and social cues. Neurodivergents can be utterly perplexed by the nuances of body language, facial expressions, and gestures. Their confusion results in an inability to discern what is socially appropriate in the NT world. Neurodivergents also are well known for their difficulty in making and holding eye contact. They can also appear anxious and awkward in social settings.
On the other hand, Some Neurodivergents make eye contact and cultivate some degree of social skill. Some are salesmen in highly technical fields. Spotting clients on the spectrum isn’t always an easy task for a couple’s therapist.
Limited social comprehension
Small talk with NTs is awkward for a Neurodivergent. Adults that are Neurodivergent may have difficulties in group situations. They might not choose appropriate topics to discuss and find small talk and chatting very difficult. They may take what people say very literally and have problems understanding teasing, double entendre, irony, and sarcasm.
Theory of mind and working imagination
Neurodivergents are often brilliant and original thinkers. However, they are frequently burdened with anxiety and depression because they have a hard time imagining alternative options or predictable outcomes.
Many Neurodivergents take comfort in rigid routines and may become highly agitated with their NT partner if changes occur on the fly.
However, they may have trouble imagining alternative outcomes to given situations and find it hard to guess what will happen next.
This often leads to anxiety and can result in obsessions with rigid routines, and severe distress can arise if routines are disrupted.
These cognitive difficulties often cause problems with NT spouses. Differences in making plans for the future, and prioritizing life tasks are shared. Much to the dismay of their neurotypical partners, many Neurodivergents approach mundane daily tasks with rigid and highly detailed checklists.
It is also true that many NT spouses have an opposite complaint. They’re frustrated because their partner will not accept their influence by following or making a to-do list. Rigidity is the common denominator.
Neurodivergent marriages are not that uncommon
It’s now estimated that 1 in 50- 60 Americans are on the Autism Spectrum. That’s a lot of marriages.
Fo the most part, couples therapy is failing Neurodivergent Marriages. A European study estimated that 80% of Neurodivergent Marriages end in divorce. If true, that’s nearly double the divorce rate for neurotypical (NT) couples.
Dr. John Gottman is the dean of science-based couples therapy and has been studying couples for well over 40 years.
He has famously stated that emotionally intelligent husbands who the capacity to accept influence from their wives are the bedrock of happy marriages.
While Gottman admits that while a husband may not express emotions, in the same way as his spouse, the ability to listen non-defensively, validating their point of view, and show empathy while understanding their partner’s needs is fundamental.
All of this depends on having a Theory of Mind, (or as some would argue, a theory of the NT mind) which is perhaps the most challenging deficit in the Neurodiverse Marriage.
Theory of mind and the Neurotypical bias of modern couples therapy
By neurotypical standards, Neurodivergents have an unusually weak Theory of Mind or what I prefer to call “mind blinded.” The ability to have a felt sense of their partner’s feelings, emotions, or intentions is often severely limited. When Neurodivergents are talking to their spouses, they only have their own profoundly different emotional blueprint to work from, and it differs significantly from their NT partner.
By autistic standards, the ‘normal’ human brain is easily distractible, obsessively social, and suffers from a deficit of attention to detail. Peter Thiel
Neurodivergents often find it incredibly difficult to imagine what their partner may be thinking or feeling. Because their Theory of the NT Mind is so different, Neurodivergents often say and do things that ostensibly appear insensitive, self-involved, and even cruel. If a couple goes undiagnosed over time, the accumulated attachment injuries of the NT spouse take their toll.
The tragic paradox is rarely is this apparent insensitivity is intentional. Neurodivergents are often keenly focused on fairness and social justice, and they more often than not struggle to speak the truth the best way they can.
It’s not that Neurodivergents are incapable of being false and dissembling. It’s more that they lack the necessary skill set, and prefer not to. While their bluntness can sometimes be off-putting, it’s often refreshing as well.
The clinical challenge for science-based clinicians is adapting and expanding Gottman Couples Therapy for Neurodivergent Marriages. The time has come to develop a post-modern science-based couples therapy that can create new interventions to help the Neurodivergent and their NT spouse understand and manage the perpetual problem of their neurological differences.
A neuroscience-informed couples therapist acts as a good-faith translator between the Neurodivergent and their NT spouse. Assessing the anxiety and depression of the Neurodivergent partner as well as the communication burden of being a Neurodivergent Couple is the first step.
7 principles for making marriage work and 7 challenges for Neurodivergent couples
Gottman’s most famous book is the Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. It will be interesting to compare Gottman’s 7 principles for making marriage work with the inherent challenges of a Neurodivergent Marriage.
Principle 1
Enhance Your Love Maps. Neurotypical Couples (NT) have an ongoing awareness of each other’s world. They master the little details of life (favorite foods, best friends, favorite movie, least favorite relative, etc.) This presents a serious challenge for Neurodivergents with a Theory of the NT Mind deficit.
Neurodivergents usually have a laser-like focus on their own “special interests.” These interests offer a soothing respite from the overwhelming stimulation of the NT world. They may dismiss the idea of having a Love Map of their partner’s world as silly and inconsequential. Furthermore, they would have no problem saying so directly.
Principle 2
Nurture Fondness and Admiration System. NT couples understand the value of admiring their partner and demonstrating fondness. While Neurodivergents may aspire to show fondness admiration, they cannot read facial expressions and non-verbal cues that sustain this skill for NT spouses.
Principle 3
Turning Toward Your Partner Instead of Away During Times of Stress. One of the cornerstones of Gottman Couples Therapy is the notion of “small things often.” He describes this process as making deposits in an emotional bank account. Little acts of kindness and small courtesies require a Theory of the NT Mind which is capable of valuing and noticing. When the Theory of Mind is weak, so is their capacity for Turning Towards.
Principle 4
Let Your Partner Influence You. I mentioned this earlier. Gottman’s research emphasizes that men who accept influence from their wives have happier marriages. The ability to accept influence implies a constellation of social skills that the NT world of couples therapy takes for granted.
Neurodivergents and their NT spouses endure profound difficulties in communication. Neurodivergents often perceive their spouses as irrational and contradictory when they give voice to complicated feelings.
Principle 5
Solve Your Solvable Problems The capacity to successfully deal with “solvable” problems obviously requires some ability to see the problem from your spouse’s point of view, be able to accept influence, and be flexible.
Neurodivergents struggle to understand their spouse’s point of view, and being rigid and inflexible is an obvious obstacle to problem-solving.
Principle 6
Overcome Gridlock. One of the essential skills taught in Gottman Method Couples Therapy is meaningful dialogue. The famous Gottman intervention, Dreams Within Conflict, is a structured approach to holding meaningful dialogues, particularly about “unsolvable problems.”
Unfortunately, because of rigid thinking and Theory of Mind issues, emotional gridlock between a Neurodivergent and their NT partner is a common problem.
Gottman couples therapy relies heavily on the assumption of a shared capacity to be curious about one’s partner. This is a neurotypical bias that science-based couples therapists will need to compensate for with Neurodivergent Couples. Once again, the challenge of an Neurodivergents Theory of the NT Mind difference requires their couples therapist to work with them in a completely different way.
Principle 7
Create Shared Meaning. Shared meaning requires an interlocking sensibility of shared values and goals. Dialogue, accepting influence, and communication skills are once again essential, and a presenting challenge for the Neurodivergent and their NT partner.
The Neurodivergent challenge for science-based couples therapy
There is an emerging Neurodiversity rights movement that demands that we notice that a “hegemony of normalcy” has pervaded our culture. This critique obviously includes modern couples therapy.
Some thought leaders seek to move Neurodivergence from the medical realm entirely. They invite clinicians to see Neurodivergence not as a sort of pathology, but instead as more like an ethnicity.
This requires nothing less than a neuroscience-informed, post-modern couples therapy, which will carefully build upon the evidence-based and attachment-based work of John Gottman and Susan Johnson.
Couples Therapy Inc. intends to push the field of couples therapy forward to do that.
Neurodivergents are often neurologically different from their partners. These differences can be assets, deficits, or a little of both. Their couples therapy must be different as well. Science-based couples therapy must become an advocate for neurological pluralism.
The seminar trainer was intrigued by my comments and invited me back to formally present to this group on the topic Neurodivergent Couples and a later follow-up lecture. It was troubling to see a large group of other-wise sophisticated therapists learn about Neurodivergence for the first time.
But that was nearly a decade and a half ago. Today, there are now formalized trainings for couples therapists to complete, and many in my CTI group have completed this certification process. This training can be found at Aspergers/Autism Network (AANE).
It was founded in 1996 by a small group of concerned parents and professionals, shortly after the diagnosis of Asperger Syndrome (AS) first appeared in the U.S. Diagnostic and Statistical Manual, edition IV (DSM-IV).
Their headquarters is in Watertown Massachusetts, not far from our new CTI corporate office in Boston.
AANE is building a thriving and supportive community. They offer education, information, and referrals to individuals with Neurodivergence, their extended families, and the professionals who work with them. That’s how we got involved.
Closing
Neurodivergence remains a well-kept secret, often eluding detection until adulthood or even perpetually. This hidden reality contributes to the pervasive challenges in neurodivergent marriages, where communication problems persist without understanding their neurological roots. Standard couples therapy frameworks often fall short in addressing these nuances, resulting in staggering divorce rates among neurodivergent couples.
Adapting science-based therapy for neurodivergent marriages demands a new frontier of interventions, one that recognizes and embraces neurological differences. Organizations like the Aspergers/Autism Network (AANE) are paving the way, providing crucial education and support, illuminating a path toward more effective and inclusive couples therapy practices. As neuroscience informs this evolving field, the goal is not standardization but advocacy for neurological pluralism, fostering understanding and harmony in the intricate tapestry of diverse marriages.
Are you in a Neurodivergent marriage?
Originally published January 28, 2020; Updated 12/20/2023
I would really love to see a blog post on what the differences are between a person on a spectrum and a covert narcissist. How to spot the differences in therapy as a therapist, and what a spouse can look for. I have come to think that covert narcissists often just equals a person on the spectrum who hasn’t been diagnosed and has developed a lot of unhealthy strategies to cope when relating to others. But I’m sure I must be wrong. I just haven’t really found any real descriptions of what might be the differences and how to spot them. I also think it’s hard to see the difference between a person on the spectrum and a person with an avoidant attachment style. I would be so happy if someone could adress these questions because they have bothered me a long time, and I find no answers anywhere.
I am ARP, a 71 year old woman who has many interests and a high level of education married to LT** MD. Lonnie is a 75 year old widower with two adult "children." Lonnie's wife died in 2016, I married Lonnie in 2018. Lonnie is a retired Air Force pilot and Navy ENT surgeon. He is totally thrilled by the outcome of his children, Kailua-Kona, age 51, a PhD who is the national aquatics contaminants consultant for the National Park Service and ST, age 43, a family practitioner, now at a VA in Eugene. He has been practicing for 2 years. He has found what may be a significant girlfriend.
I believe that we are a neurodivergent couple. However, when I suggest this LT gets very angry and defensive. We have had some couples therapy using the Imago Method. We need to find a therapist with knowledge of this type of union; plus difficulties with second marriages and attached adults.
We live on the Big Island Of Hawaii.
Paying lip service to the existence of the Neurodiversity Movement but not paying attention to anything it has to say…
Functioning labels are ableist hogwash based on external perceptions of an Autistic person with no heed paid to internalised struggles.
“High functioning” is used to deny support “low functioning” is used to deny autonomy.
Hans Asperger’s entirely subjective distinction between Autism and Asperger’s was used to decide who the Nazi’s murdered and who would be “useful” as slave labour.
Asperger’s is a deduct functioning label that is no longer listed in the DSM, it’s called Autism.
Stating that Autistics are incapable of interpreting facial expressions is bollocks too. We may not be born with the knowledge, but we are absolutely capable of learning. We’re also known to have above average pattern recognition, which is highly applicable in understanding long term partners.
The onus of communication is on both partners. NT’s insistence on hinting at their feelings or desires rather than openly communicating them is just as much to blame for misunderstanding as an ND’s lowered perception of emotional nuance.
Someone who doesn’t care about how their partner feels vs someone who cares but struggles to understand it is stark. Just as the difference between constructive criticism and contempt is.
Anyone who has specialized training in working with neurodiverse couples (there are a number of us here who do) would agree with you that it’s a struggle for both partners to figure out how to be happy together. Both must learn new skills.
You’ve summarized nicely many of the points we advocate in our own work such as:
1) Both partners are struggling to figure out how to relate;
2) “Aspergers” is a diagnostic label no longer in use, but even those who don’t fit a label can still find the term “neurodivergent” helpful;
3) No one is “incapable” of anything. In fact, it’s remarkably fast to learn how to read facial expressions and we refer people specifically to his helpful online training;
4) When the NT learns to express their wants and desires directly, they are just being more effective partners. They are doing what all intimate partners should do anyway.
Your last point is perhaps the most important: There is a distinct difference between someone who literally doesn’t care about how their partner feels and a person struggling to understand how they feel. It’s a point that, for me, is often diagnostic between a person in a neurodiverse relationship and one in a personality-disordered one.
Thanks, Mariah for your helpful comments.
I’m an aspie, married to another aspie, but we’re still in many ways still neurodivergent. We’re both high functioning, but have different expressions of ASD, so we need to form a Theory of Mind about each other. For example, she is much more social than I am, but I am a lot more easily overwhelmed by stimuli than she is. So we need to form a happy balance between her need for social contact, and my need for quiet introspection. My point is that one shouldn’t immediately assume that the only neurodivergence is between NTs and ASDs, it can be present in any couple that has differences in function. That might also be true of NTs and NTs, but I have no personal experience there to speak from.
Excellent point! Thank you for making it!
I’m so excited to see this insightful look at how neurodiversity can affect the Gottman principles and the specific challenges that need to be addressed in ND marriages. I would like to say: not all aspies have marked sensitivity overload and not all suffer from anxiety and depression. Most importantly, especially in my experience: significant thinking errors can be in play, combined with some of the other described errors in social communication. Misinterpretations and assumptions can abound- on both sides of course, but *for different reasons.* I understand why I as the NT have misinterpreted. I get the way his mind works and the adjustments I need to make. But so far, he cannot comprehend that his mind works differently from mine and many others.’ His only recourse has been to claim that I’m mentally ill. I don’t see AANE dealing with this dynamic. Can anyone here help us? I need help healing from the incredible trauma I have suffered as a result. Are you all taking Cassandra syndrome seriously and able to help us who have been severely traumatized by ongoing *unintentional* manipulation and psychological abuse? I need help first for that before there’s any hope for possible marriage restoration. And of course, he needs to accept and take some responsibility for his own needed adjustments. A tall order.
It’s impossible to know whether we can help you based upon what you’ve written. If you are interested, contact us.
I am really happy to have found this article. I have been with my aspie partner for three almost four years. I was fully aware he had Asperger’s when we first met. He told me right away. I thought that it wouldn’t be that challenging as we have so many similar interests. We are now raising a family together and my partner is an amazing parent. However, I am left feeling a little alone. My close friends don’t understand why that may be. This is because he really is great at a lot of different things. I have struggled finding a counselor that understands this as well. Do you have any suggestions for where I might find more information on the topic? I live in the Northwest.
There are many good resources. We have several trained therapists right here on staff who got specialized training in working with neurodiverse couples. AANE.org is another great group with a list of therapists to investigate. You don’t need to be lonely. It’s useful to figure out ways to correct for that. Good luck!
Married one year. I helped a son a son rise from extreme autism to being a highly successful marketing director through God’s powerful help, using a gluten free and casein free (and others) diet and NACD.org neurological therapy.
Therefore I recognized ASD behaviors and attitudes right away after marrying very soon after meeting.
I don’t know how to bring our diversity up to my husband without sounding like he’s the problem.
We rarely talk except about managing affairs and need help.
Bring it up. Talk about how you both need to change to understand each other better. Talk in specifics about particular examples, not generalized feelings or attitudes. And tell him you knew that and loved him and married him, so this is not an attack.
Learn to complain effectively. That will help. Check the blog for tips on how to do this.
Good luck!
Thank you for this insightful and thoughtful article. My new partner of 1.5 yrs is on the spectrum and I am NT. My 10 year old son from previous marriage is on spectrum too. Meeting my partner was complete coincidence but also wonderful blessing. Our family is so much richer and happier. The connection between my partner and son is utterly beautiful in the way they understand one another in such a fundamental way. Yes we have challenges sometimes, but we are committed to making it work and addressing issues as they arise openly and honestly. I know as an NT person, I am so lucky to have the chance to see the world through completely different perspective and it’s amazing. Will it always be so? I’m sure we will face challenges ahead. That’s why I’m grateful for the work you’re doing to support couples like us. Thank you!
How common have you found passive aggressive behavior patterns in these marriages. Can extreme passive aggressiveness be confused with aspergers in someone unwilling to be tested?