Dear Dr. K,
He wants to “take care” of telling her to stay away himself but continues to postpone it. He has to tell her bluntly, but he insists on having her take a hint instead. She doesn’t even know I know about the affair yet. Does this mean he really does not want to end it?
Waiting for Honesty
Dear Waiting for Honesty,
He’s not ready to end the affair. He’s not ready to break it off. He knows what he needs to say, but he’s more concerned about hurting her feelings than preserving your marriage.
People involved in affairs often stop thinking clearly. As I’ve mentioned, they love how they feel with this person. They think it is the person who leaves them feeling this way, not their own reflected self.
If he could “take care of it,” he would already have done so. He may not want to end the affair or end his marriage, but he only has one choice. Then you have a choice.
We typically recommend that you and he tell her together so that she’s crystal clear about where he stands. If that’s not happening, you may want to see a skilled couples therapist. Most of the damage in an affair often happens after it is discovered, which also sounds like what’s happening here.
People can have an affair they would prefer not to end. They end it anyway because they want their primary relationship more. It’s not a horrible sign if he doesn’t want to end it. Why would he? It’s often intoxicating, terrifying, enlivening, and dangerous to be in an affair.
He may even fear what she will do if he tells her it is over. I’ve heard many horror stories of jilted mistresses taking revenge once the relationship ends. In these situations, they may have believed it was “only a matter of time” before he left their spouse and went with her. The Involved Partner might have explicitly told them so. Now, the paramour learns that it was a lie. He had no intention of doing so. And she begins to rage and try to destroy his life.
Affairs are messy, complicated, entangling relationships. They are easier to fall into than to climb out of.
Be clear about your position and share it with him. Then, judge the viability of your relationship by his actions.
Good luck, and thanks for writing.
Dr. K
