Dear Dr. K,
My husband has accused me of cheating, and now the nasty name-calling has started because I had an abortion when I was having a miscarriage.
Things even got physical, and he wants a divorce. No matter what I say is going to be taken out of context. He talks about how some of my friends are not genuine and that some would let him have sex with them. I think this is enough since he doesn’t want therapy.Can that even be repaired? There is no respect and trust.
Heartbroken in Healing
Dear Heartbroken in Healing,
October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month.
Can a relationship with no respect or trust be repaired?
Yes, if the damaging partner can admit to disrespectful and harmful behavior and stops it long-term. But Gottman’s research found that men who are physically and psychologically abusive seldom change on their own and recommends against couples therapy.
He suggests arrest and incarceration instead for men, like your husband, who is demonstrating characterological violence.
Sound harsh?
One in three American women are abused each year. It is not a woman’s problem, it is a human problem.
Your husband has violated a basic fundamental in a healthy relationship: No violence. He is also psychologically manipulative and is undermining your closest friendships. Controlling and dominating behavior is present. There is no behavior bad enough to ever justify his behavior.
The fact that this was all because a medical procedure happened as a result of a miscarriage is outrageous. A healthier man would be grateful you are still alive.
Taking things out of context to make his point is also emotional abuse. There is no openness to hear another’s point of view. The goal is to punish and use anything you say to turn it against you.
This is in contrast to Situational violence. These are couples who fight badly. Both partners typically experience guilt, recognize the consequences, and accept responsibility. Therapy focuses on teaching the couple how to handle disagreements, particularly addressing emotional overwhelm and reconciliation. They also need to identify and control destructive communication patterns. The therapist’s ultimate goal is to guide the couple in replacing harmful conflict behaviors with a stronger friendship and mutual understanding.
What you are describing, however, is an abusive relationship with characterological violence. It often doesn’t stop, even after a divorce.
Contact a therapist or the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-7233. Do it today.
Thanks for writing.
Dr. K
