In any relationship, the ability to accept influence from one’s partner is crucial for fostering a healthy, collaborative dynamic built on mutual respect. However, research shows that a concerning two-thirds of married men struggle with accepting their wife’s influence, leading to power imbalances and emotional disconnection. This blog post will explore the concept of accepting influence, its impact on relationships, and provide five essential steps men can take to create an environment of shared decision-making and empowerment. By understanding and embracing the value of their partner’s perspective, couples can strengthen their bond, navigate conflicts effectively, and cultivate a relationship rooted in trust and equality.

The “environment” of influence

The desire to foster an environment of collaboration and mutual decision-making is something that Jacob and Mary’s relationship needs to improve. Neither feels valued, appreciated, or empowered, but for different reasons. 

Jacob feels it is unreasonable for him to be expected to share power. He blames Mary for having strong reactions to this. He would strongly disagree with this characterization because he wants to see himself differently intellectually.

Mary becomes aware, over time, that Jacob ignores her wishes and rejects her desires if they conflict with his own. Wives like Mary are typically harsher and more upset when they approach conflict. 

To focus on her responses in therapy is typically misdirected. Most marriages express negative emotions and even criticism at times. Suppressing this negative emotion isn’t good for your marriage or blood pressure. And much has been made about the necessity of wives to begin disagreements “softly.” This is important but more challenging when repeatedly encountering the message, “Your opinions don’t matter to me.”

Jacob’s reaction escalates instead of matching or calming his wife’s upset. He doesn’t convey this through the volume in his voice, as Mary does. This is the variable he considers to be important and abusive. He does it by refusing to address or take his wife’s concerns seriously.

Five steps to accepting influence.

  1. Willingness to Compromise: A man needs to demonstrate a willingness to compromise or make adjustments based on the partner’s input. This doesn’t mean giving up one’s own needs or beliefs entirely but finding a middle ground that honors both partners’ perspectives. Flexibility in decision-making strengthens the partnership and promotes a sense of equality and mutual respect.
  2. Respect and Validation: Accepting influence requires acknowledging and valuing the partner’s feelings, opinions, and desires as valid and significant. Respect involves recognizing the legitimacy of the partner’s perspectives, even when they differ from one’s own. Validating the partner’s emotions and opinions builds trust and reinforces the bond within the relationship.
  3. Empathy and Understanding: Empathy plays a crucial role in accepting influence. Understanding the partner’s emotions and viewpoints from their perspective fosters emotional connection and intimacy. Recognizing the reasons behind the partner’s opinions or desires allows for a deeper understanding and paves the way for mutual consideration.
  4. Shared Decision-Making and Collaboration: Couples who accept influence engage in shared decision-making and collaboration. This involves actively involving the partner in discussions, seeking their input, and jointly working towards solutions or decisions. Collaborative problem-solving nurtures a sense of teamwork, enhancing the relationship’s strength and resilience.
  5. Open Communication and Active Listening: To accept influence, a man should practice active listening, showing genuine interest in his partner’s thoughts and emotions. This involves giving undivided attention, asking clarifying questions, and empathizing with the partner’s feelings. Creating a safe space for open and honest communication fosters an environment where both partners feel heard and understood.

Does she have a valuable perspective?

Accepting influence can begin by recognizing the value in your partner’s perspective. This means proactively seeking her out when making a decision involving her. It means being willing to openly disagree and stick with a disagreement until compromise and mutual understanding are reached.

It also means letting her know first if you are unable to keep your word or do what you promised to do. Accepting influence means communicating, “You count on me.” This establishes a collaborative environment where both partners feel empowered to contribute to the relationship’s success.

Summary

Accepting influence and power sharing are integral to a healthy and successful relationship. It is essential to educate clients and therapists alike about the widespread refusal of two-thirds of married men to accept their wife’s influence. The damaging influence of this behavior, even if it is engaged in periodically, should be widely discussed.

When men embrace these principles, they foster mutual respect, trust, and emotional connection with their wives. This ultimately gives them a greater opportunity for a harmonious married life.