accepting influence

Accepting influence: What it means for relationships

Gottman says that 65% of American men reject their wife's influence. This is a staggering number. This article discusses what accepting influence is, the research related to it, and examples of how men reject their wives' influence.

Gottman's Research

There is insulting slang for a man seen as being controlled by his stronger-willed female romantic. Hurling this accusation is meant to emasculate him by insinuating he's relinquished all power and dignity to a female. There is no female equivalent to this concept. 

It should come as no surprise, then, to learn that nearly 2/3rds of men reject their wife's influence.

"Statistically speaking," according to Gottman, "when a man is not willing to share power with his partner, there is an 81 percent chance that his marriage will self-destruct." 1

In a study following 130 newlywed couples over nine years, this was a gender-linked behavior in heterosexual couples. Gottman didn't see this behavior in wives.

"...my data indicate that the vast majority of wives—even in unstable marriages—already do that [accept influence]. This doesn't mean that they don't get angry and even contemptuous of their husbands. It just means that they let their husbands influence their decision-making by considering their opinions and feelings. But too often, men do not return the favor." 2 Gottman's research found that an astounding 65% of men in his study did not.

In our intensive therapy, we record a 10-minute segment of couples arguing. 

The goal is understanding how men and women handle conflict to intervene effectively. Like Gottman's research, we examine whether either tries to de-escalate conflict when things get heated. Or do they match anger for anger, criticism for criticism? 

This pattern we see most often in women is a predictor of marital satisfaction.

Their interactions sound like this with wives and about one-third of husbands:

Husband: (angrily) "You aren't listening to me!"
Wife: (repair attempt) "I'm sorry. I'm listening to you now." or
Wife: (matching his anger) "I'm finding it hard to listen to you!"

However, in contrast, it sounds like this with 65% of husbands:

Wife: (angrily) "You aren't listening to me!"
Husband: (stonewalls and ignores her) or
Husband: "Yes I am!" (defensive) or
Husband: "I don't listen because what you say never makes sense!" (criticizing) or
Husband: "Why waste my time?" (contempt)

Many might recognize these as "The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse." Instead of acknowledging her feelings of being ignored, these husbands used the four horsemen to "drown her out to obliterate her point of view."

We call this "escalation," the most significant threat men face to maintaining a happy marriage. Even if he doesn't react this way frequently, there's still an 81% chance that he's harming the relationship.

This point is seldom discussed outside academic circles, perhaps to avoid seeming "biased" toward men. However, a man's escalation during conflict is so dramatically harmful that his refusal to accept influence is essential for him to understand.

In relationships, "accepting influence" means one partner is willing to listen and respect their significant other's thoughts, feelings, and perspectives. This is based on Dr. John Gottman's theory and his book "Principles for Making Marriage Work." It involves being open to one's partner's ideas, opinions, desires, and suggestions, even if they differ from one's own. "Influence" denotes the capacity of one partner to impact the other's thoughts, decisions, or behaviors within the relationship.

Understanding "Accept" and "Influence." What does accept mean?

"Accept" in this context means the individual is open-minded and receptive to the partner's viewpoints. They show this without defensiveness or dismissal. It involves considering and respecting the partner's emotions, opinions and desires as valid and important. It doesn't imply blindly agreeing but rather acknowledging the value of the partner's perspective.

When patriarchy is part of religious tenets

It appears in some circles to be an accepted tenet in some religious communities that men should be in control of their marriages and, logically, also their wives. Some men are proud that they do not and will not share power with their wives.

However, Gottman's research included both religious and nonreligious couples. He has found this attitude prevalent among both groups.

Gottman argues that emotional intelligence, not religious orthodoxy, enables men from diverse religious and cultural traditions to figure out how to convey honor and respect to their wives. 

Gottman argues that if a husband makes unilateral decisions that he knows his wife disagrees with, this isn't being religious but being a bully. The emotional connection between husbands and wives depends upon mutual respect.

These emotionally intelligent men understand that the intensity of his wife's reactions conveys the importance of the topic. Therefore, rather than reacting negatively, they tune in and try to learn about the importance.

The "feminist" husband

And it is easy to see when a man blatantly tells his wife that her opinion doesn't matter to him; he intends to do just as he sees fit. However, Gottman found that even men who embrace equality also refuse to be influenced.

It is often justified as something else. A case in point was Jacob. He casually told his wife he would need to work periodically throughout their upcoming vacation.

His wife Mary reacted angrily: "You promised me that would be our time alone! I'm so mad at you!"

His response was swift. "I never promised anything. And it's just like you to guilt trip me about my work! You have no trouble spending money, but you want to tell me when I can work and when I can't! For once, can't we have a vacation without fighting? Clearly no. You have to find fault and ruin our time before we even get there!"

These arguments look like "point/counterpoint." Still, when looked at through a scientific lens, the fight is about Jacob's refusal to accept his wife's influence. However, neither they nor the uniformed therapist can sort through the noise.

He could not tolerate Mary's displeasure by outwardly disagreeing with her when he made the promise. Neither could he accept her wrath now. Rather than owning up to disappointing her, he turned the tables and accused her of trying to ruin the vacation.

When Mary raises her voice and storms out, Jacob feels emotionally abused and misunderstood. He thought that if he did promise that, it was only because she never lets up on his working too much. He only wants peace. She is being so unfair!

When Mary calms down and wants to talk, he ignores her. When she begins to cry, he leaves for an "errand" she had asked him to do earlier in the day.

What does influence mean?

Influence means one partner impacts the other's thoughts, actions, or choices in the relationship. It encompasses the power to sway opinions, initiate changes, or impact the partner's views and actions.

In the previous example, Jacob did not intend to take time off from work completely. He felt more comfortable working virtually throughout the vacation. He knew what Mary wanted; he had no intention of giving in to her request. 

He was further disrespectful by refusing to share this intention. He would say he hated conflict and knew that telling her would create a fight. In fact, he was only delaying the battle.

Mary's anger appears to escalate in response to the calmness with which Jacob answers her. However, it is a protest, an awareness that her wishes are being ignored and promises broken.

In therapy, these couples toss accusations and counteraccusations back and forth at lightning speed. It is easy to see Mary's emotionality. Some less experienced therapists might even point out that Mary's anger "escalated the fight." But in reality, it was a straightforward expression of emotion. The problem was Jacob's intolerance of her expressing any negative emotions like anger when they were directed at him.

Instead of responding to that emotion, he became defensive, critical, and even contemptuous. His passive-aggressive leaving to do an errand he had forgotten earlier, when she was calm and wanted to talk, was belligerent.

But one constant stands out. Jacob can't outwardly disagree with his wife, nor is he willing to collaborate with her. She carries the outrage while he carries the simmering resentment. 

However, regardless of what she says or feels, he will continue to do what he wants while offering lip service to being a "cooperative husband." He feels like the victim of Mary's anger and considers her to be aggressive, unfair, even irrational, and abusive.

The profound significance of accepting influence

In the framework outlined by John Gottman, the concept of "accepting influence" from your partner carries profound significance. Accepting influence means the willingness to value and consider your partner's thoughts, emotions, and perspectives. It's more than the words you say. It is about creating an environment where both of you feel heard, understood, and respected despite potential differences in points of view or opinions.

In Gottman's research, the refusal to accept influence often leads to power struggles within a relationship. These struggles arise when partners resist acknowledging or integrating the other's perspective into decision-making processes. This refusal can result in a lack of mutual respect and understanding, leading to conflicts and an imbalance in power dynamics.

Power sharing

For men who accept influence, a pivotal aspect is recognizing the importance of power sharing within the relationship. Influence isn't viewed as a source of competition or control.

Accepting influence involves sharing power equally with one's partner. It's about acknowledging the legitimacy of the partner's viewpoints and understanding their emotions.

Successful relationships thrive on the principles of shared power and accepting influence. Couples who learn to accept influence from their partners create a foundation based on open communication, respect, and empathy.

a man not accepting influence

The "environment" of influence

The desire to foster an environment of collaboration and mutual decision-making is something that Jacob and Mary's relationship needs to improve. Neither feels valued, appreciated, or empowered, but for different reasons. 

Jacob feels it is unreasonable for him to be expected to share power. He blames Mary for having strong reactions to this. He would strongly disagree with this characterization because he wants to see himself differently intellectually.

Mary becomes aware, over time, that Jacob ignores her wishes and rejects her desires if they conflict with his own. Wives like Mary are typically harsher and more upset when they approach conflict. 

To focus on her responses in therapy is typically misdirected. Most marriages express negative emotions and even criticism at times. Suppressing this negative emotion isn't good for your marriage or blood pressure. And much has been made about the necessity of wives to begin disagreements "softly." This is important but more challenging when repeatedly encountering the message, "Your opinions don't matter to me."

Jacob's reaction escalates instead of matching or calming his wife's upset. He doesn't convey this through the volume in his voice, as Mary does. This is the variable he considers to be important and abusive. He does it by refusing to address or take his wife's concerns seriously.

Five steps to accepting influence.

  1. Willingness to Compromise: A man needs to demonstrate a willingness to compromise or make adjustments based on the partner's input. This doesn't mean giving up one's own needs or beliefs entirely but finding a middle ground that honors both partners' perspectives. Flexibility in decision-making strengthens the partnership and promotes a sense of equality and mutual respect.
  2. Respect and Validation: Accepting influence requires acknowledging and valuing the partner's feelings, opinions, and desires as valid and significant. Respect involves recognizing the legitimacy of the partner's perspectives, even when they differ from one's own. Validating the partner's emotions and opinions builds trust and reinforces the bond within the relationship.
  3. Empathy and Understanding: Empathy plays a crucial role in accepting influence. Understanding the partner's emotions and viewpoints from their perspective fosters emotional connection and intimacy. Recognizing the reasons behind the partner's opinions or desires allows for a deeper understanding and paves the way for mutual consideration.
  4. Shared Decision-Making and Collaboration: Couples who accept influence engage in shared decision-making and collaboration. This involves actively involving the partner in discussions, seeking their input, and jointly working towards solutions or decisions. Collaborative problem-solving nurtures a sense of teamwork, enhancing the relationship's strength and resilience.
  5. Open Communication and Active Listening: To accept influence, a man should practice active listening, showing genuine interest in his partner's thoughts and emotions. This involves giving undivided attention, asking clarifying questions, and empathizing with the partner's feelings. Creating a safe space for open and honest communication fosters an environment where both partners feel heard and understood.

Does she have a valuable perspective?

Accepting influence can begin by recognizing the value in your partner's perspective. This means proactively seeking her out when making a decision involving her. It means being willing to openly disagree and stick with a disagreement until compromise and mutual understanding are reached.

It also means letting her know first if you are unable to keep your word or do what you promised to do. Accepting influence means communicating, "You count on me." This establishes a collaborative environment where both partners feel empowered to contribute to the relationship's success.

In conclusion, accepting influence and power sharing are integral to a healthy and successful relationship. It is essential to educate clients and therapists alike about the widespread refusal of two-thirds of married men to accept their wife's influence. The damaging influence of this behavior, even if it is engaged in periodically, should be widely discussed.

When men embrace these principles, they foster mutual respect, trust, and emotional connection with their wives. This ultimately gives them a greater opportunity for a harmonious married life.

Ready for a change in your relationship?

It starts with a no-obligation 15 minute phone call with our client services team.

Dr. Kathy McMahon


Dr. Kathy McMahon (Dr. K) is a clinical psychologist and sex therapist. She is also the founder and president of Couples Therapy Inc. Dr. K feels passionate about couples therapy and sex therapy and holds a deep respect towards those who invest in making their relationship better. She is currently conducting online and in person private couples retreats.

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