Updated 12/16/2023


Dealing with Infidelity: Strategies and Pitfalls

When infidelity surfaces, couples grapple with distinct approaches to cope, often falling into one of three patterns. Understanding these coping styles is crucial, as two of these strategies don't bode well for long-term success in relationships.

Coping Style 1: The Supplicant Approach

Contrary to popular belief, most couples don't part ways after an affair. Instead, many adopt the Supplicant Style, where the betrayed partner dwells in perpetual resentment, leveraging their hurt to maintain an elevated status over their involved partner. This approach stalls recovery, trapping both partners in bitterness.

Why It's Problematic: Remaining in a perpetual one-up position strains the involved partner's tolerance for contempt and emotional abuse, leading to fatigue and a desire to move past the affair. This strategy freezes couples in resentment and hinders progress.

Coping Style 2: The Status-Quo Tactic

At the opposite end lies the Status-Quo Style, where couples brush infidelity under the rug, prioritizing social status and routines over emotional intimacy. This approach, akin to the Kennedy women's coping mechanism, emphasizes external achievements over deep connection.

Why It's Problematic: Focusing solely on careers, reputation, or wealth relegates intimacy to the sidelines. Despite projecting sophistication, these couples often lead emotionally distant lives, concealing their lack of intimacy behind a façade of societal norms.

A Systemic Strategy for Coping

In science-based couples therapy, a systemic approach tackles the aftermath of infidelity. It involves an introspective quest to understand and mend the relationship. The hurt partner aims for curiosity over fury, seeking understanding and forgiveness. Meanwhile, the involved partner engages in open, blame-free dialogue about their mindset and emotions.

Navigating a Systemic Strategy

Instead of dwelling on explicit, triggering details, this approach involves asking generative questions that delve deeper into motives and meanings. These questions facilitate understanding and context, fostering candid and intimate discussions between partners.

In this method, hurt partners self-reflect on the relevance of their queries, weighing the impact on their well-being. Involved partners lean in when their partner is distressed, fostering trust through attunement and support.

The Journey of Recovery

Couples dealing with infidelity often emerge from the crisis stronger. By leveraging science-based therapy, they assess vulnerabilities and take concrete steps to forge a deeper bond. Studies indicate an uptick in intimate moments, improved communication, and a renewed appreciation for the relationship.

Contemplating Expectations

Differing opinions between thought leaders like Esther Perel and John Gottman highlight the conflict between expectations and reality in relationships. Perel advocates for managing expectations to avoid resentment, while Gottman emphasizes the importance of expecting kindness, affection, and loyalty.

Balancing Cultural Perspectives

Perel's view on infidelity treatment varies from American ideals, underscoring cultural differences. Americans tend to expect more from relationships but also grapple with more significant expectations. The debate raises questions about balancing intimacy, personal growth, and relationship investments within cultural contexts.

In navigating infidelity, managing expectations and cultural differences becomes a poignant issue, shaping how couples approach healing and expectations in their relationships.

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Dr. Kathy McMahon


Dr. Kathy McMahon (Dr. K) is a clinical psychologist and sex therapist. She is also the founder and president of Couples Therapy Inc. Dr. K feels passionate about couples therapy and sex therapy and holds a deep respect towards those who invest in making their relationship better. She is currently conducting online and in person private couples retreats.

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